My Beloved, the Non-Weeble

Editor’s Note: Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down. So, my wife is not a Weeble. Some people are just accident-prone. I know one of them. She married me. Oy vey. This is in her voice, since that’s the only way it makes sense. You just have to imagine the cries of anguish at the end of each stanza. 

I think I’ll have a glass of tea.
Ouch! I think I sprained my knee.

I was writing out my shopping list,
I stopped because I sprained my wrist.

The list said, “Ribs. At least a rack.”
Wow. I think that I just wrenched my back.

I filed the list in my to-do folder,
But now I may have popped my shoulder.

I turned on the TV and saw Bethenny Frankel,
Then dropped the remote and broke my ankle.

It’s Spring, we should be on a ship,
It’s just I may have strained my hip.

I reached to remove a piece of fluff,
And I think I tore my rotator cuff.

I know it’s time to feed the pup,
It’s just I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

My husband said, “Hey, let’s get frisky!”
I said, “Oh, my God! That’s much too risky!”

My husband thinks he’s such a clown,
I’d hit him, but I’ve fallen down.

Again.

Grandparents

A grandmother wants control of her title.
Choosing what she is called seems vital.
Some will never be “Grams” or “Granny.”
They want to be called “MomPlus” or “Sammy.”

Grandfathers don’t really seem to care.
Since we get called random terms here and there.
I have been “Grandpa”, “Papa”, “Grampy”, so to speak.
All of those were just in the past week.

Next time, I’ll have another name.
I will probably have myself to blame.
I said my name was King Frank-Bob.
We’ll see if that’s accepted by the mob.

I answer to the term my grandkids choose,
Either good or bad, win or lose.
Call me a saint or call me a sinner.
Just don’t call Grandpa late for dinner.

A Child of Many

I’m a child of the Sixties,
I can sing any Beatles song.
Peace and love,
Sex and Drugs,
I’ll party all night long.

I’m a child of Catholic schools,
I know a lot of prayers.
Glory Be,
Our Father,
He watches over us everywhere.

I’m (mostly) a child of Texas,
I got here when I was two.
Whataburger,
Ranching,
A State with its own worldview.

I’m one of the last Baby Boomers,
I was taught right from wrong.
Princess phones,
Playing outside,
In college, I even saw a bong.

I’m a child of many,
My folks, the highest percentile.
Selective amnesia,
An occasional drink,
And my shrink on speed-dial.

Ellie’s Blues

Editor’s Note: Sometimes, even a bluesman visits his family. The joys of grandchildren climbing all over you is generally followed by a rare, short-term but hellish disease.

Ellie’s cold is killing me.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Snot as far as I can see.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose),
Gonna run all day.
I need some antihistamines.
I need to get away.

The kids’ house is a haz-mat site.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Boogers running day and night.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose)
Gonna run all day.
I’m back home in Dallas now.
With a blocked airway.

Strings

I found an old guitar,
Up in the attic at my Mom’s.
She said it was my Grandpa’s.
He would play it on the lawn.

I never knew he had one.
I never knew he played.
Yet, I could almost hear him,
As I saw the strings were frayed.

I took it from the attic,
I had it cleaned and tuned.
I tried to learn to play it.
I wanted music to resume.

I wonder if he wrote a song.
I wonder what he played.
I’d like to sing it with him.
My memories ceased to fade.

When you’re listening to a concert,
Watching some now famous star,
You should think about his Grandpa.
And wonder if he played guitar.

 

The Texas Volunteers

Hats off to the Texas Volunteers!
They’ve been marching on for many years.
They rose up when they heard the call,
They came together, one and all.

Patrolling someone’s vast estate
A mission that became their fate.
Keeping watch from some tall tower,
Often drenched by a sudden shower.

There was never a bet they couldn’t make.
There was never a chance they wouldn’t take.
They often find themselves at disadvantage,
Yet I’ve become their collateral damage.

I fight with the Texas Volunteers,
With Texas sand between their ears.
They take every job that they can see,
But then they always stop to ask “Why me?”

 

The Palace Guard

Her Majesty sits upon her throne.
We cannot let her sit alone.
With all the gurgling I hear,
I’m pretty sure she sits in fear.

Anyone could break in now,
I have to stop them all somehow.
She’s been in here for quite some time.
I will sit here until at least bedtime.

You cannot enter – “No!”, I say.
Everyone must stay away.
I will always remain in place.
To leave her unguarded – a disgrace.

I will stay here through the night and day.
I will never, ever go away.
I will be here at the closing bell.
I just worry about that awful smell.

Favorites

While at Applebee’s one night,
I found someone’s large iPhone.
I don’t see any names or labels,
However will I get it home?

I guess I’ll just dial the Favorites,
Since iPhones don’t speed dial.
One of them will recognize this phone.
They’re at the top of the pile.

“PsychoPuppy”, must be a college friend.
First on the list, her very best bet.
“Thank you for calling Rutherford Veterinary Hospital.”
That is not what I expected.
Apparently, this person has a sickly pet.

“My One True Love”, this is the one!
Second one down, their bond must be strong!
“Thank you for calling Norwegian Cruise Lines.”
Cruising is a true love?
I wonder if the sickly pet goes along?

Next one just says “Mary”, so there is hope.
Third one on the list, maybe family at last?
“Hi! This is Mary. I can’t come to the phone.”
Well, at least it’s a person.
I’m not leaving a message, that time is past.

Next one says “Mary”, too. Duplicates?
One more try, I hope it’s a good choice.
“Hi! This is Mary. I can’t come to the phone.”
I’m having deja vu.
Same message, different voice.

I’m calling and nobody’s home.
This is really annoying.
I’m thinking this caller will die all alone.

We’re at “ADC”, so maybe her company?
Let’s continue. We’ll get lucky next.
“Thank you for calling the Animal Diagnostic Clinic.”
Does this phone belong to a veterinarian?
What is wrong with this person’s pets?

The next is just marked “Ragle”.
I’ll just dial it really quick.
“Thank you for calling Dallas Family Doctors.”
People doctors?
So, it’s not just the pets that are sick.

One more! I had to scroll down.
I thought I was free.
“Virginia – why are you calling me? I’m in the rest room.”
Someone answered! Who is it?
It’s just marked “Bite Me.”

 

The First Dalmatian

Some dogs have specific jobs.
They were bred to do a task.
Other dogs just wander ’round.
Ignoring what you ask.

Mommies never show their age.
They have ways of stalling time.
There are many tricks of their trade,
To keep them looking in their prime.

We have a goofy dog that owns us.
He doesn’t listen very well.
He pokes people for attention.
Sometimes, he makes you yell.

Mommy’s gray is vanishing.
She’s got gloves and dye in pots.
Our doggie poked her in the leg,
And now the dog’s got spots.