Author: kjgilhooly

The Lonely Princess

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

Editor’s Note: Transcribed from the oral traditions of Cistercian Preparatory School. For the class of ’78.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, lived a beautiful Princess, and her grumpy father, the King.

The Princess longed to be married, but no suitor was ever good enough for her grumpy father. Every few weeks, a Prince would approach the castle to call on her, but as he got closer, the King would send the Royal Guardsmen, and they would chase the Prince away.

The Guardsmen would then collect the flowers and candy, and bring them to the King, who particularly liked the nougat-filled candies.

The Princess was lonely.

Finally, as she heard the Guardsmen preparing to chase another Prince away from the castle, the Princess went to the Royal Court to confront her father. She approached the throne and stamped her foot. “Daddy! How am I ever going to marry if your stupid Royal Guardsmen keep chasing all he Princes away?”

The King didn’t like having feet stomped at him, so he said, “Fine. This Prince may enter the castle. However, he must perform a task before he is allowed to meet you. Go to your room.”

The Prince, whose name was Julius, approached the throne, and bowed before the King, who said, “I understand you would like to meet my daughter.” Prince Julius said, “Yes, Your Majesty, I would like to do so very much.”

The King frowned and said, “To prove you are sincere, you must climb to the highest point in the castle, and jump into the moat. If you survive, you are worthy to meet my daughter.”

So, the next morning, with trumpets blaring and most of the village watching, Prince Julius climbed to the highest parapet, bowed to the King, and plunged to his death.

“Daddy!”

The King said, “He was not worthy. Also, he probably shouldn’t have worn his chain mail.”

Word spread that there was now a chance you could meet the Princess, so other Princes came to the castle, and even without chain mail, did not survive the plunge. After a few weeks, the line started slowing considerably.

“Daddy!”

So, the King changed the test. Word spread you didn’t have to plunge to your death, and two days later, Prince Melchior approached the castle. He bowed to the King, who said, “You must go into the forest behind the castle, and slay the fearsome dragon. To prove the dragon is truly slain, you must bring me his ears.”

Prince Melchior said, “As you wish”, gathered his weapons, and headed into the forest.

He was gone for weeks. He was gone so long, other Princes were trying to decide if it was improper to visit the castle while he was still missing, and presumably working on the task.

He was gone so long, the Princess began to think he had abandoned her.

Finally, after almost six weeks, one morning, the guard at the main gate noticed a small box in the middle of the road. When he opened it, it contained two ears. However, they were not dragon ears.

Everyone missed Prince Melchior.

After that, no suitors approached the castle for a very long time. The Princess became convinced she would die an Old Maid, and was very sad, indeed.

Then, one morning, Prince Denis approached the castle. He was a bit scruffier than most Princes, he was the first Prince anyone remembered who wore a leather jacket, and he had a toothpick hanging out of the side of his mouth, but at this point, the Princess was willing to settle. A Prince was a Prince, and he could always fix him after they were married.

Prince Denis approached the throne, nodded at the King, and said, “Where’s this Princess that people are dying to meet?”

The King was annoyed, but stayed calm. “In order to met my daughter, you must complete a task. I command you to go into the forest, and …” “DADDY!”

The King cleared his throat and said, “I command you to climb to the highest parapet …” “DADDY!!!”

The King looked very annoyed, indeed, and said, “I command you to go into the village and buy me a pack of cigarettes.”

The Royal Court gasped.

Prince Denis looked astounded. “What? With my own money?”

The King looked extremely annoyed, and said, “Get some petty cash from the Royal Treasurer.”

And so, at midday the next day, since Prince Denis was not a morning person, with trumpets blaring (which did not help his hang-over), he made his way to the village. As crowds cheered, he walked into the tobacconist, and said, “Pack of Marlboro 100s, please.”

He collected the cigarettes, pocketed the change, and headed back to the castle.

Sadly, as he approached the castle gates, he was struck and killed by a big, green Cistercian bus, on its way to a soccer game.

And the moral of the story is, “Smoking is hazardous to your health.” (The bonus moral is, “Look both ways before you cross the street.”)

The End

Working At Home

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

Tomorrow is “Take Your Dog to Work Day’.
I worked at home today,
So my dogs were already here.

They could come visit me.
Over and over again.
I had multiple breeds snoring all day.

I still managed to get some work done.
Mainly, because they sleep so much.
(They would love conference calls.)
However, I had an interesting thought.

Dogs in an office could cause strange utterances.
Some of these would be actionable, if aimed at people, not dogs.

What if you were writing a report and heard:
“Stop scratching me!”
“Get down!”
“Get off of me!”

and, of course, the big one:

“Rocky! Stop humping her!”

HR would not be amused.

So, before you take your dogs to work,
Discuss it with your co-workers.
Make sure humping will be OK for one day.

Maybe it’s best to just work at home.

Love, Today

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

“I wonder what my Love is doing right now?”
A question for the ages.
The beginning of many love scenes.
You care about someone wherever they may be.

Here’s how it goes down today.
I’m at work, waiting to get picked up.
We’re going to dinner with my Mom.
I’ve completed all possible tasks for the day.

“I wonder what my Love is doing right now?”
Hop onto Family Locator website
She’s shopping.
Hop onto the bank website.
Holy *&^#@#!!!

Back to Family Locator.
She’s still bloody there!
I’m starving!
Where the hell is she?
(Rhetorical. I just found her.)

So, now, I’m starving.
I’m broke.
I’m annoyed.

I don’t really want to know where she is.
Let’s just leave well enough alone.

Declaring Victory

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

I’m almost out of time.
I have no assistance.
I have four other projects due.
I have heartburn.
I have a bad attitude.

So, I declare victory.
This project is done!
It may not be complete.
It may not be coherent.
However, it is done.

I have spoken.

Monday

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

Monday.
It is a curse.
Yet, today, just Monday wasn’t good enough.

Rain.
It is a blessing.
Unless it’s in the city, during rush hour.

Traffic.
It is beyond a curse.
Especially in the rain, in a construction zone.

So, I started the week late.
And cranky.
(Some would say “cranky” was a given.)

Can’t we get Monday outlawed?
Or moved to the weekend?

Alone Again

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

I’m all alone again,
Just me against the crowd.
I may be standing by myself,
But at least I’m standing proud.

I wanted your approval.
I wanted your support.
I tried to add some value,
Even when you sold me short.

I misread your desires for me,
I could never get your rules.
We’d seem to end up fighting,
And we both would look like fools.

It’s not that I don’t love you,
It’s not that I don’t care.
It’s just really hard to miss someone,
When you were never really there.

Nit-Pick

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

It seems so noisy,
In a lot of online arguments.
This is interesting,
Since so many are a “mute point.”

If you can’t speak, you’re mute.
In that case, the other speaker would win.
If only one person speaks, he wins.
Subject doesn’t matter.
It’s a moot point.

See what I did there?

Remember this story:

Jack and Jill were on their third date.
Jill had managed to be a “good girl” so far.
But tonight, there was chocolate.
And roses.
And tequila.
Jack asked Jill if they could be alone.
He drove his car up to Moot Point.

Close-Outs

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

Close-outs are really just sales.
I know this from looking at the items.
Some are successes, most are fails.

Close-out really means “selling off stock”.
As in, we won’t make any more of these.
They’re on the chopping block

Sometimes, however, these items
Have your name imprinted.
They’re called personalized items.

This seems just a bit far-fetched.
There is a plant somewhere in China,
Making items with “Kevin Gilhooly” etched.

“Maybe it’s today he’ll finally call”,
All the Chinese workers silently pray,
“He’ll go online or visit at the mall.”

I hope they’re not making pencils just for me,
Hundreds of them inscribed with my name,
In a huge factory across the sea.

That’s what a close-out would be,
“We’re not printing “Kevin Gilhooly” any more,
All the pencils we have is all we foresee“.

I hope that someone shares my name,
There was one in Houston years ago,
So maybe there’s another Kevin once again.

Then, the pencils are his problem.

Resource Action

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

I did not get fired this week.
Neither did most of my friends.
Some of my friends were told
They should find new jobs.
Immediately.

One was told she had four weeks
To find a job outside the company.
Excuse me, if you’re terminated,
Don’t you have the rest of your life?

I suppose this is a kinder, gentler firing.
At least for the managers.
If it’s a resource action,
You don’t have to fire anyone.
Some resources just got moved.
Away.

I hate MBA-speak.
You fired the poor bastards.
They are not resources.
They are people.
Grow a pair.

Also, I know the jobs are different,
But it’s still a bit uncool
To be hiring outsiders
During a resource action.
Just sayin’.

Multitasking

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

We are completely wired these days.
You can’t escape the office, no matter where you go.
In fact, you have multiple pathways to the office.
This is a blessing and a curse.

I can answer my emails, Chat online with co-workers,
Watch baseball games (I could, I never would!),
Update Facebook (social networking)
And be on a conference call.

All at the same time.

It’s called multitasking.
Multitasking is great,
Since you get more done.
At least, it can seem that way.

This means, of course,
Not everything gets 100% attention.
So, sometimes, you can get confused.

Here’s some  good tips to help you  –

Re-read all your emails before you press “Send”.
This prevents typos.
Typos could be just misspellings,
Or could be sending “Love you, too, Magic Ass!”
To your customer instead of your wife.

If you answer a question late on a call,
Since you were writing email and chatting,
Always preface with “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
If you weren’t listening, use the same excuse.

For some reason, if you can’t talk on the phone,
People assume you can’t hear, either.
If you can’t talk or hear, why are you on the phone?

That said –

When you’re on a conference call, go on mute.
This avoids having your dogs heard on the call.
It also avoids yelling “AirHogs WIN!”
When discussing next month’s financials.
Actually, you will still yell it,
If you were watching a game, which I am not,
But at least nobody would hear it.

AirHogs WIN!

After you do your victory dance,
Pick the phone back up, and
If you hear an awkward silence,
Say “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”