The Attack on Granny’s Ranch

Editor’s Note: I was at least twelve at this point, since my Grandpa was already gone, but I’m not sure when this was. I hope it wasn’t much later than that!

Once or twice almost every year,
We would visit my Grandma’s ranch.
I would always shed a joyous tear,
Visiting another family branch.

My parents left me with my Granny,
And went off to places still unknown.
She was not really much of a nanny,
So I felt almost home alone.

As I started to drift asleep,
I was quiet as a mouse.
I didn’t hear a peep.
I was the man of the house.

I woke a little bit later,
I could hear a rustling sound.
I didn’t want to wake her,
But there was someone on the ground.

My uncle had at least two tractors,
Parked under the shed.
These I assumed were factors,
For robbing our homestead.

At this point, I saw two choices.
One, Granny pulled out a gun.
The other, hearing stranger’s voices,
She told me to go get one.

I really hoped she had a pistol,
Hidden deep in her nightgown.
Otherwise, clear as crystal,
I was going to shoot a bandit down.

I waited for her to hand me a key,
Hidden behind her necklace cross.
“This is to the gun cabinet, Sweetie.”
I would then become the boss.

There was another option, of course.

I woke Granny, who was trying not to cuss.
While I began to panic, she said,
“Nobody’s gonna bother us.”
“Now, you go back to bed!”

Well, that was anti-climactic.

When I looked out at morning light,
I found we had not been alone.
Sometime in the dark of night,
The cows had come back home.

Irish Pirate

I am an Irish Pirate.
I drink Guinness every night.
I don’t have a pirate schooner,
So I never have to fight.

It’s hard to be a pirate,
When you can’t go off to sea.
So, I’m stuck here in the pub,
With just a pint or three.

I guess to be a pirate,
I need a large tattoo.
It’s just I don’t like needles,
So I never joined the crew.

I’m going to be a pirate.
I’m going to sail to sea.
I’m going to do it someday.
Just you wait and see.

In the meantime,
Another pint, please.

Columbus on a Cruise

Imagine if Columbus didn’t have
The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria.
What if he just took Norwegian?

Sailing out of Barcelona.
Nothing but blue skies and blue seas.
(Maybe a Carnival ship, but that’s confusing.)

“Sir! We’re out of salt tack!”
The buffet is on deck 10.
Washy, Washy. Happy, Happy.

“Sir! I burned my eyes with the sextant.”
Why aren’t you using the GPS?
Why are we steering manually, anyway?

“Sir! When will we arrive?”
We should be in Miami on Tuesday.
I’ll be in the casino.