Country Klutz

Just got paid,
Got a brand new car.
Time to grab my baby,
Head to the ER.

Gonna ask her Momma,
Have to ask my Dad,
“Do you think it’s broken?”
“‘Cause she’s limpin’ real bad.”

Time to get married,
Gonna get her a ring.
Just as soon as a doctor
Inspects that wasp sting.

Today’s at the orthopedist,
Hopping through the door.
I have a bad case of deja vu,
‘Cause we’ve been here before.

When she hears or sees an insect,
She’ll attempt a triple lutz.
She’s on the ground, whimpering.
I’m married to a klutz.

Grandparents

A grandmother wants control of her title.
Choosing what she is called seems vital.
Some will never be “Grams” or “Granny.”
They want to be called “MomPlus” or “Sammy.”

Grandfathers don’t really seem to care.
Since we get called random terms here and there.
I have been “Grandpa”, “Papa”, “Grampy”, so to speak.
All of those were just in the past week.

Next time, I’ll have another name.
I will probably have myself to blame.
I said my name was King Frank-Bob.
We’ll see if that’s accepted by the mob.

I answer to the term my grandkids choose,
Either good or bad, win or lose.
Call me a saint or call me a sinner.
Just don’t call Grandpa late for dinner.

Strings

I found an old guitar,
Up in the attic at my Mom’s.
She said it was my Grandpa’s.
He would play it on the lawn.

I never knew he had one.
I never knew he played.
Yet, I could almost hear him,
As I saw the strings were frayed.

I took it from the attic,
I had it cleaned and tuned.
I tried to learn to play it.
I wanted music to resume.

I wonder if he wrote a song.
I wonder what he played.
I’d like to sing it with him.
My memories ceased to fade.

When you’re listening to a concert,
Watching some now famous star,
You should think about his Grandpa.
And wonder if he played guitar.

 

The Texas Volunteers

Hats off to the Texas Volunteers!
They’ve been marching on for many years.
They rose up when they heard the call,
They came together, one and all.

Patrolling someone’s vast estate
A mission that became their fate.
Keeping watch from some tall tower,
Often drenched by a sudden shower.

There was never a bet they couldn’t make.
There was never a chance they wouldn’t take.
They often find themselves at disadvantage,
Yet I’ve become their collateral damage.

I fight with the Texas Volunteers,
With Texas sand between their ears.
They take every job that they can see,
But then they always stop to ask “Why me?”

 

Divorce

A home is a house full of love.
Where two hearts become one.
Togetherness building strength.

A home is a house full of love.
Where happy families grow.
Loving memories are built.

A home is a house full of love.
So, what we have now is a house.
I’m so out of here.

Favorites

While at Applebee’s one night,
I found someone’s large iPhone.
I don’t see any names or labels,
However will I get it home?

I guess I’ll just dial the Favorites,
Since iPhones don’t speed dial.
One of them will recognize this phone.
They’re at the top of the pile.

“PsychoPuppy”, must be a college friend.
First on the list, her very best bet.
“Thank you for calling Rutherford Veterinary Hospital.”
That is not what I expected.
Apparently, this person has a sickly pet.

“My One True Love”, this is the one!
Second one down, their bond must be strong!
“Thank you for calling Norwegian Cruise Lines.”
Cruising is a true love?
I wonder if the sickly pet goes along?

Next one just says “Mary”, so there is hope.
Third one on the list, maybe family at last?
“Hi! This is Mary. I can’t come to the phone.”
Well, at least it’s a person.
I’m not leaving a message, that time is past.

Next one says “Mary”, too. Duplicates?
One more try, I hope it’s a good choice.
“Hi! This is Mary. I can’t come to the phone.”
I’m having deja vu.
Same message, different voice.

I’m calling and nobody’s home.
This is really annoying.
I’m thinking this caller will die all alone.

We’re at “ADC”, so maybe her company?
Let’s continue. We’ll get lucky next.
“Thank you for calling the Animal Diagnostic Clinic.”
Does this phone belong to a veterinarian?
What is wrong with this person’s pets?

The next is just marked “Ragle”.
I’ll just dial it really quick.
“Thank you for calling Dallas Family Doctors.”
People doctors?
So, it’s not just the pets that are sick.

One more! I had to scroll down.
I thought I was free.
“Virginia – why are you calling me? I’m in the rest room.”
Someone answered! Who is it?
It’s just marked “Bite Me.”

 

Life, Simplified

I could just close all my accounts.
Drop all my online presences.
Remove all aspects of me.

There’s a better way.
Here’s how to find your real friends.
They’re connected online, but
They’re connected offline, as well.

Let’s find the people that actually know you.
The ones that know you don’t fit a mold.
Not all your beliefs align with theirs,
But that’s OK with them.

You have a lot of Facebook friends.
Everybody does.
They make a lot of noise.
Who needs that much volume?

Week One of the cleanse.
Change your Facebook photo to
Ted Cruz for President!
See if your friends list diminishes.

Week Two of the cleanse.
New Facebook photo is now
Hillary in 2016! 
Other friends will drop away.

Two weeks into the process,
You’re losing friends left and right.
(See what I did there?)

Week Three of the cleanse.
Facebook photo becomes
Gay Rights For Everyone!
That will make people wonder.

Week Four of the cleanse.
Facebook photo is Jesus.
Jesus for President 2016!
(Actually, He’s ineligible to run,
Unless He can find a Hawaiian birth certificate.)

Now, see how many “friends”
You have left online.
Maybe you didn’t need that
Many friends after all.

Now, ask your real friends
What they thought about the month.
Some will find it hilarious.
Others will just say you’re insane.

Your real friends are any of them
That didn’t even notice.

Feel better?

Tragedy

Millions sleep with our C-PAPs,
To avoid a slow death by snore.
This is not nearly as tragic,
As fresh doggie poop on your floor.

Our families came through the Depression,
When life could seem very hard.
This is not nearly as tragic,
As a lizard coming in from the yard.

Your ancestors were at Vesuvius,
Some perished, covered in soot.
This is not nearly as tragic,
As fresh doggie pee on your foot.

Today, we had some crises.
Let’s all take a deep breath.
Pee, lizards and poop won’t kill you,
Stop crying and plotting their death.