Progress

I will see a mansion on a hill.
I wish my house remained there still.
Some unnamed Yuppie came to town.
He bought my house and tore it down.

I haven’t lived in it for years,
Which doesn’t seem to stop the tears.
It was the place where I grew up.
It sheltered me, my Mom and Dad and pup.

I knew someday it would be gone.
I just didn’t want to play along.
I wanted to be able to just drive by,
And see it standing beneath the sky.

Yesterday, it was an empty lot.
It’s now a place that time forgot.
I will miss my happy (former) home.
Now, I’m feeling even more alone.

I know that everything must die.
I just hoped to see my past survive.
I understand that times will change.
I just thought my past remained the same.

Plano at Rush Hour

He thinks that no-one will complain,
As he exits from the far left lane.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

She is like a pig in clover,
As she slides her three lanes over.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

He thinks he may have seen a cop.
So, let’s have all on Central stop.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Some of the smartest people alive,
But none of them know how to drive.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

A Young Millennial’s Prayer

Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.

Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.

Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.

I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.

Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.

Technology

 

I’m getting the feeling that
We have a generation that can’t read.
You have to show them graphics – not text,
And it’s really best to have a movie.

I love technology,
But not for it’s own sake.
Let’s not use it just because
The CEO overpaid for it.

If you have something to say,
Just email or call me.
I’ll respond if required.
Don’t send a link to your blog.

If you have an announcement,
Just make it.
Don’t make me watch a video
A week from Tuesday.

Worst of all now days,
Is the video blog,
Where some minor exec
Reads you his email.

The issue with video blogs,
At least for me,
Is that you see how poorly
Some of these people present.

Please send your foils out first.
(I’m old. They’re not slides. They’re foils.)
I will happily read your foils.
Then, I will think to myself,
“How can this take an hour to present?”

When I read someone’s foils,
My usual thought is,
“Wow. That’s an hour I would have wasted.”
Then, I hang up and go back to work.

Here’s the thing people miss these days.
Work is not an action movie.
There is little action at all sometimes.
So why pretend it’s exciting?

If you’re going to pretend it’s exciting,
Let’s have a video game presentation.
Everyone could watch from home,
And interact with the presenter.

Hit the CEO in the nose,
She has to go on to the next slide.
Blow the CEO up,
That’s lunch, everybody!

That could actually be fun.
She couldn’t just stand and read.
Just send me the foils first,
So I know what was supposed to be said.

Meetings

Here’s what you will often hear,
When you are trapped in a meeting.
The worst are the ones where everybody
Has to go around and update status.

Many people are very gifted at status updates.
They can make their project seem very important.
Golly! That project requires a lot of people.
I wish I had a project like that!

Most of those reports
Do not make me wish for that project.
They make me wish I had a vodka tonic.
Maybe three.

Here’s an example, which is close to real-life:

“At this point, we are waiting for the brand team,
Who are currently in their quarterly update meetings,
The results of which are due at the end of the month.
After those updates are validated and certified,
Our team will negotiate the use of their results,
Which will save us approximately three weeks.
If we do not get to use their results,
We will spend two weeks producing our own.
The hardware is still on back-order at this time,
But we’re expecting updates from the Singapore team,
Perhaps as early as next week,
Depending on whether the local holiday slows production.
Those delivery updates will help us revise the final schedule,
Which will be then communicated at that time.
Once the hardware is in place in the lab,
We will be able to estimate the time required
To install and patch the base-level software,
Although we are considering just
Moving development to the cloud,
Which might require a retro-fit and design update.
We are on hold for the marketing team,
Who is completing the new brand marketing plan.
This will require us to update our labeling.
We may also have to update our documentation.
We have been in close contact with the other developers,
To make sure that all of our APIs are consistent.
We are also mapping to the original specifications,
Rather than the updates from the previous manager.”

This means:

“There’s been no change since last week.”

Time Passing

I have a seven am meeting.
I have a meeting at nine.
I have another at ten,
At least that one is mine.

I have a meeting at one.
I have a meeting at two.
Last one at nine in the evening.
I wish it weren’t true.

Web conferences bring us closer,
Of this I make no bones,
It’s just they don’t solve the issue
Of our pesky time zones.

Progress

When I was young,
The only excuse we used
Was “I forgot.”

Later, we graduated
To more exciting excuses,
Like “The dog ate my homework.”

Now, we’re on Wifi all the time,
So, we have rather bizarre excuses,
As in, “The squirrels chewed through the line.”

File this under “Sad But True.”
If you live in a old-tree cul de sac,
There are a lot of squirrels.

Squirrels chew trees,
And things that look like trees.
Phone lines look like trees.

Either that, or we have squirrels
Who are hooked on insulation.
Really? Find a new drug.

Anyway, they chew the insulation.
That leaves holes everywhere.
Everything works, until water gets into the lines.

The insulation is what stops the water.
So, every time we have a decent rainstorm,
The lines get wet and the phone stops.

This is only a problem from March until June.
So, it’s really not worth complaining about.
It’s not like I have to use the Internet for work.

So, the entire house is down.
No phone, Internet or TV.
I guess I’ll read a book.

I hate squirrels.

It’s Wonderful!

We are living in a doomed age.
Marketing and sales rule the day.
That would be fine, except
They’re mostly idiots.

To be fair, some are not.
They know they’re lying.
The rest truly believe their press.
The press that they wrote.

If everything worked as well
As sales and marketing said,
We would all be working
Three-day weeks. At most.

Unfortunately, none of it really works.
Some of it doesn’t work at all.
It’s sad, really.

So, the next time your manager
Presents you with the solution to all,
Just remember, they believe it.
So, be gentle when you burst the bubble.

Progress

The Cutty Sark made seventeen knots,

From London Town to China.

She used the wind to carry tea.

For a time, there were none finer.

The clipper ships were eclipsed

By new ships powered by steam.

The steamship beat the ships with sails,

But sails are still a sailor’s dream.

So, today I’m doing twenty knots,

With diesel-electric power down below.

Three knots faster than the Cutty Sark.

Is it such a better way to go?