Progress

The Cutty Sark made seventeen knots,

From London Town to China.

She used the wind to carry tea.

For a time, there were none finer.

The clipper ships were eclipsed

By new ships powered by steam.

The steamship beat the ships with sails,

But sails are still a sailor’s dream.

So, today I’m doing twenty knots,

With diesel-electric power down below.

Three knots faster than the Cutty Sark.

Is it such a better way to go?

Life, Simplified

I could just close all my accounts.
Drop all my online presences.
Remove all aspects of me.

There’s a better way.
Here’s how to find your real friends.
They’re connected online, but
They’re connected offline, as well.

Let’s find the people that actually know you.
The ones that know you don’t fit a mold.
Not all your beliefs align with theirs,
But that’s OK with them.

You have a lot of Facebook friends.
Everybody does.
They make a lot of noise.
Who needs that much volume?

Week One of the cleanse.
Change your Facebook photo to
Ted Cruz for President!
See if your friends list diminishes.

Week Two of the cleanse.
New Facebook photo is now
Hillary in 2016! 
Other friends will drop away.

Two weeks into the process,
You’re losing friends left and right.
(See what I did there?)

Week Three of the cleanse.
Facebook photo becomes
Gay Rights For Everyone!
That will make people wonder.

Week Four of the cleanse.
Facebook photo is Jesus.
Jesus for President 2016!
(Actually, He’s ineligible to run,
Unless He can find a Hawaiian birth certificate.)

Now, see how many “friends”
You have left online.
Maybe you didn’t need that
Many friends after all.

Now, ask your real friends
What they thought about the month.
Some will find it hilarious.
Others will just say you’re insane.

Your real friends are any of them
That didn’t even notice.

Feel better?

uVerse Blues

Thank you for calling AT&T,
Your system’s going up and down I see.
The trouble may be on your end,
Please reboot and try again.

Rebooting didn’t fix the pain?
Perhaps you should reboot again.
We could try to send someone to you
It’s Monday now, would Thursday do?

We replaced the modem you have inside,
So the problem must have moved outside.
We could try to send an outside guy,
How about Sunday – time does fly.

I tried to call to check the line.
It’s down, so you didn’t answer in time.
You’ve moved to the end of the queue.
Eventually, we’ll get to you.

Your phone calls have  all begun to fail,
Your Internet is slower than the US mail,
We’re sure you’ll survive without TV,
And thanks for calling AT&T.

Weather

I am trying to understand weather forecasts.
It is difficult, because there are many sources.
Each of them has a slightly different opinion.
Forecasts are really just opinions.

Also, TV weather is different from others.
TV weather is based on viewing area.
TV signals go a lot farther than ZIP codes,
Or even county lines.

So, when the TV weather guy breaks in,
Just as the killer will be unmasked,
Or the million dollar winner is revealed,
Just as the season is building to a climax…

It may be because you are under immediate threat.
It may also be that three farmers and some goats
Are about to get wet in Southern Oklahoma.

Always check the maps,
I suppose,
Is the lesson here.

Douglas Adams once wrote “Don’t Panic.”
I’m pretty sure he was watching TV at the time.
He was probably in London,
And it was storming in Southampton.

It’s 80 miles from London to Southampton,
Which is 128 kilometers in metric.
This would have been much funnier
If it had been 42 in either.

So it goes.

Here is the easy way to check the weather,
Send the dogs out in the yard.

If they come in wet,
(or don’t go out at all)
It’s raining.

If they come in cold and white,
It’s snowing.

If they go out the back,
And come in through the front door,
(Or get stuck on the roof somehow)
You may have a slight tornado.

Now back to our regular programming,
Already in progress.

CVS Blues

This isn’t my prescription.
I need more of this drug.
This paperwork is last year’s.
I don’t get a jar, I get a jug.

My insurance covers this.
Why do you charge so much?
I think you ran it wrong.
Do you think we’re going Dutch?

This is pure insanity.
Why do I wait so long?
When I smoked pot in college,
My dealer never got it wrong.

I-635 Blues

Slide on over, baby.
Slide on over slow.
We’re about to miss our exit.
I don’t know where to go.

Move on over, baby.
Move on over fast.
There’s a tanker truck a comin’
I’m fixin’ to get passed.

Drive on over, baby.
Drive on to this song.
I’ve never seen such traffic.
It’s rush hour all day long.

Roll on over, baby.
You know my heart’s on fire.
There’s a pothole in the roadway,
And I’m about to lose a tire.

Glide on over, baby.
Glide on ’til you see.
There’s a thousand cars around here,
They’re all aiming straight at me.

Speed on over, baby.
Speed up as you drive.
I saw a sign back over,
That says go sixty-five.

Look on over, baby.
Look across your dash.
There’s a bunch of angry people.
They must have had a crash.

Slide on over, baby.
Slide on to arrive.
By the time they finish building,
I’ll be too old to drive.