Sailing

I want to sail the ocean blue.
The open waves that we once knew.
Alone at last and feeling free.
I can’t, because the CDC.

Wuhan has some poison labs.
WHO first blamed the bat kebabs.
But the CDC has some key tips.
Disease is caused by cruising ships.

Writer’s Block

I had a great idea.
I even had a rhyme.
This was a brilliant poem.
It ran in 4/4 time.

I was in the midst of writing.
I had it all, no doubt.
I started on the third stanza.
And the Internet went out.

No worries.
I have it in my head.
I can wait until it’s back.
But my Internet is dead.

I’m off to find a notebook,
And a pencil or a pen.
I don’t want to lose this moment,
And AT&T is down. Again.

Crack of Dawn

One last meeting
Before I can go home.
But I’m in India,
So it’s your first meeting.

Video conferencing is the bomb.
Teams can be anywhere,
And still can get together.
The world is one conference room.

It’s 5:30pm in Bangalore.
It’s 2:00pm in Budapest.
It’s 7:00am in Dallas.
We can still all meet.

I’m the one in Dallas.
I haven’t had enough coffee.
There may not be enough coffee.
Time zones are a bitch.

Alexa en Español

I set Alexa into Spanish mode.
I didn’t know you could.
My friends think it’s crazy.
They don’t know why I would.

I can’t ask her any questions now.
So why did I make the swap?
While I don’t know weather in Alsaka,
It means my wife can’t shop.

Self-Isolation

Bored.
Oh, Lord.
I’m bored.

Working at home.
(Like I was before.)
Let me explain.

In January,
I broke my ankle.
Broke my foot as well.
The doctor asked,
“This was one fall?”

Splint, boot, cast, boot.
My doctor said I should stay off it.
Avoid traveling.

So, I was stuck at home.
My wife said, “At least you work at home.”

Annoyed.
Very annoyed.
But it was my fault.

April,
I can walk!
I’m free at last!
Bad timing.

Everyone said,
“Stay home!”
“Avoid everyone!”
“Work at home!”
“Don’t travel!”

So, it’s pretty much
Like breaking my foot again.
Except I didn’t.

So, I’m annoyed.
And, I’m bored.
Oh, Lord.
I’m bored.

Tax Days

All the numbers that I just copied,
Say “This info furnished to the IRS.”
That’s so nice and easy.
The Feds don’t have to guess.

If they have the info already,
And they design the forms to fill.
Why don’t they just do our taxes?
Then just send us out our bill.

Progress

I will see a mansion on a hill.
I wish my house remained there still.
Some unnamed Yuppie came to town.
He bought my house and tore it down.

I haven’t lived in it for years,
Which doesn’t seem to stop the tears.
It was the place where I grew up.
It sheltered me, my Mom and Dad and pup.

I knew someday it would be gone.
I just didn’t want to play along.
I wanted to be able to just drive by,
And see it standing beneath the sky.

Yesterday, it was an empty lot.
It’s now a place that time forgot.
I will miss my happy (former) home.
Now, I’m feeling even more alone.

I know that everything must die.
I just hoped to see my past survive.
I understand that times will change.
I just thought my past remained the same.

Plano at Rush Hour

He thinks that no-one will complain,
As he exits from the far left lane.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

She is like a pig in clover,
As she slides her three lanes over.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

He thinks he may have seen a cop.
So, let’s have all on Central stop.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Some of the smartest people alive,
But none of them know how to drive.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

A Young Millennial’s Prayer

Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.

Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.

Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.

I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.

Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.