Country Klutz

Just got paid,
Got a brand new car.
Time to grab my baby,
Head to the ER.

Gonna ask her Momma,
Have to ask my Dad,
“Do you think it’s broken?”
“‘Cause she’s limpin’ real bad.”

Time to get married,
Gonna get her a ring.
Just as soon as a doctor
Inspects that wasp sting.

Today’s at the orthopedist,
Hopping through the door.
I have a bad case of deja vu,
‘Cause we’ve been here before.

When she hears or sees an insect,
She’ll attempt a triple lutz.
She’s on the ground, whimpering.
I’m married to a klutz.

Strings

I found an old guitar,
Up in the attic at my Mom’s.
She said it was my Grandpa’s.
He would play it on the lawn.

I never knew he had one.
I never knew he played.
Yet, I could almost hear him,
As I saw the strings were frayed.

I took it from the attic,
I had it cleaned and tuned.
I tried to learn to play it.
I wanted music to resume.

I wonder if he wrote a song.
I wonder what he played.
I’d like to sing it with him.
My memories ceased to fade.

When you’re listening to a concert,
Watching some now famous star,
You should think about his Grandpa.
And wonder if he played guitar.

 

Irish Pirate

I am an Irish Pirate.
I drink Guinness every night.
I don’t have a pirate schooner,
So I never have to fight.

It’s hard to be a pirate,
When you can’t go off to sea.
So, I’m stuck here in the pub,
With just a pint or three.

I guess to be a pirate,
I need a large tattoo.
It’s just I don’t like needles,
So I never joined the crew.

I’m going to be a pirate.
I’m going to sail to sea.
I’m going to do it someday.
Just you wait and see.

In the meantime,
Another pint, please.

Tex-Mex Blues

I love Tex-Mex food.
I would eat it every day.
Rice, beans and nachos,
What else is there to say?

It’s just sometimes,
There is a dramatic effect.
Like a volcano erupting somewhere,
Or a pilot forced to eject.

Today, my wife dragged me shopping.
She bribed me with Tex-Mex first.
We got to the store and I felt rumblings.
It’s not like something was about to burst.

I thought.

So, my colon blew out in WalMart,
I was stranded in the stall.
The guard came to check for theft,
But I hadn’t taken anything at all.

(Well, I took a dump. But, really, I left it. Thank you, George Carlin.)

Hondo

I’m walking home from Hondo,
Without a penny to my name,
Just trying to reach D’Hanis,
Before I pull up lame.

I sold my horse at auction
Threw the saddle in the deal.
Then, I sold my F250,
So I could buy my kids a meal.

I’m walking home from Hondo,
Just trying to bear the pain.
If you want to ease my walking, Lord,
Just send me down some rain.

Gift Rappin’

I found my Christmas present.
It’s in a big old shiny box.
I hope that’s it’s a present,
And not just a pile of rocks.

All the other presents
Are underneath the tree.
Some my brother paid for,
And some he took for free.

I got my lover a Ferrari.
It’s shiny, new and red.
I hope she like car models,
Or we’ll never go to bed.

I got my wife a present,
A back scratcher for her itch.
I don’t know why I got it,
She’s usually a …

Hard person to shop for.

Peace Out!

Ellie’s Song

I’m gonna drool
‘Till I go to school.
Then, I’m gonna drool
Some more.

I’m gonna drool
Sitting on my stool,
‘Till there’s puddles
On the floor.

Drool cleans the dirt
On my Grandpa’s shirt.
But it leaves a mess
On Grandma’s dress.

So, I’m gonna drool
‘Till I go to school,
‘Cause while droolin’
I’m the best.

Murder By Reason of Poetry

Katie
You have a big ol’ belly,
And you’re kinda smelly.
You remind me of Mom.

Murphy
You seem kinda bitchy,
And you’re always itchy.
You remind me of Mom.

Rocky
You’re a wee bit lazy,
And you’re kinda crazy.
You remind me of Mom.

Ripley
You’re always nappin’,
And your gums are flappin’.
You remind me of Mom.

You know where this is leading,
I’m lying here bleeding.
Just for singing this song.

(Don’t ever sing silly songs to your dogs. It can get you killed. Apparently.)