Quarantine Learning

While we are all here on lockdown,
Just sitting at home has lost its thrills.
So, I am working on self-improvement.
I am taking the time to increase my skills.

Last week, I studied to be a mob boss.
I learned to show no mercy.
Now, I have to find my associates.
I just don’t want to move to Jersey.

This week, I learned to be a King.
Assuming it’s like being a Queen.
I will kindly rule my Empire,
I need a crown and some caffeine.

Today, I learned to run a crab boat.
“Captain” has been on my bucket list.
Now, I just need to get a boat.
Then, I have a crew to enlist.

I was learning to be a survivor,
But it didn’t last too long.
It’s just office committee politics,
Where the weak outvote the strong.

Next week, I’ll run a rescue,
Although it may be life or death.
It doesn’t sound too difficult,
I hear you need tigers and some meth.


Breaking News

Crisis.
Crisis.
Really huge crisis.
Human interest.. until someone gets hurt.
Crisis.

I don’t really care.
Most of it doesn’t affect me.
Most of it will be gone tomorrow.
It’s just exhausting.

Can we have some good news?
Can we have some different news?
Actually, can we have some Rocky & Bullwinkle?

Plano at Rush Hour

He thinks that no-one will complain,
As he exits from the far left lane.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

She is like a pig in clover,
As she slides her three lanes over.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

He thinks he may have seen a cop.
So, let’s have all on Central stop.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Some of the smartest people alive,
But none of them know how to drive.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Life, Simplified

I could just close all my accounts.
Drop all my online presences.
Remove all aspects of me.

There’s a better way.
Here’s how to find your real friends.
They’re connected online, but
They’re connected offline, as well.

Let’s find the people that actually know you.
The ones that know you don’t fit a mold.
Not all your beliefs align with theirs,
But that’s OK with them.

You have a lot of Facebook friends.
Everybody does.
They make a lot of noise.
Who needs that much volume?

Week One of the cleanse.
Change your Facebook photo to
Ted Cruz for President!
See if your friends list diminishes.

Week Two of the cleanse.
New Facebook photo is now
Hillary in 2016! 
Other friends will drop away.

Two weeks into the process,
You’re losing friends left and right.
(See what I did there?)

Week Three of the cleanse.
Facebook photo becomes
Gay Rights For Everyone!
That will make people wonder.

Week Four of the cleanse.
Facebook photo is Jesus.
Jesus for President 2016!
(Actually, He’s ineligible to run,
Unless He can find a Hawaiian birth certificate.)

Now, see how many “friends”
You have left online.
Maybe you didn’t need that
Many friends after all.

Now, ask your real friends
What they thought about the month.
Some will find it hilarious.
Others will just say you’re insane.

Your real friends are any of them
That didn’t even notice.

Feel better?