Sea Shanty Italiano

Sea shanties are always about the sea. This is, of course, unfair. There are plenty of worthy subjects for sea shanties, and plenty of other occupations (say, cooking or gossip) where having a way to keep a group in rhythm would be helpful.

To the tune of Drunken Sailor

What do you do with a Wife Italian?
What do you do with a Wife Italian?
What do you do with a Wife Italian,
Sometime late mid-morning?

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Don’t wake her up or she might cut you!
Don’t wake her up or she might cut you!
Don’t wake her up or she might cut you,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Wake up the dogs, and let them wake her!
Wake up the dogs, and let them wake her!
Wake up the dogs, and let them wake her,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning?

Quiet in the house, let’s watch her stories!
Quiet in the house, let’s watch her stories!
Quiet in the house, let’s watch her stories,
Sometime late mid-morning?

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Time for the news, let’s call her sisters!
Time for the news, let’s call her sisters!
Time for the news, let’s call her sisters,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Read another book by Nora Roberts!
Read another book by Nora Roberts!
Read another book by Nora Roberts,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Visit Amazon, and buy her trinkets!
Visit Amazon, and buy her trinkets!
Visit Amazon, and buy her trinkets,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Feed her an Eggplant Parmigiana!
Feed her an Eggplant Parmigiana!
Feed her an Eggplant Parmigiana,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Douse her with water and watch her melting!
Douse her with water and watch her melting!
Douse her with water and watch her melting,
Sometime late mid-morning!

Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Way, hey, it needs more garlic!
Oy vey, it needs more garlic,
Sometime late mid-morning!

What do you do with a Wife Italian?
What do you do with a Wife Italian?
What do you do with a Wife Italian,
Sometime late mid-morning?

Quarantine Learning

While we are all here on lockdown,
Just sitting at home has lost its thrills.
So, I am working on self-improvement.
I am taking the time to increase my skills.

Last week, I studied to be a mob boss.
I learned to show no mercy.
Now, I have to find my associates.
I just don’t want to move to Jersey.

This week, I learned to be a King.
Assuming it’s like being a Queen.
I will kindly rule my Empire,
I need a crown and some caffeine.

Today, I learned to run a crab boat.
“Captain” has been on my bucket list.
Now, I just need to get a boat.
Then, I have a crew to enlist.

I was learning to be a survivor,
But it didn’t last too long.
It’s just office committee politics,
Where the weak outvote the strong.

Next week, I’ll run a rescue,
Although it may be life or death.
It doesn’t sound too difficult,
I hear you need tigers and some meth.


Breaking News

Crisis.
Crisis.
Really huge crisis.
Human interest.. until someone gets hurt.
Crisis.

I don’t really care.
Most of it doesn’t affect me.
Most of it will be gone tomorrow.
It’s just exhausting.

Can we have some good news?
Can we have some different news?
Actually, can we have some Rocky & Bullwinkle?

Plano at Rush Hour

He thinks that no-one will complain,
As he exits from the far left lane.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

She is like a pig in clover,
As she slides her three lanes over.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

He thinks he may have seen a cop.
So, let’s have all on Central stop.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Some of the smartest people alive,
But none of them know how to drive.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Life, Simplified

I could just close all my accounts.
Drop all my online presences.
Remove all aspects of me.

There’s a better way.
Here’s how to find your real friends.
They’re connected online, but
They’re connected offline, as well.

Let’s find the people that actually know you.
The ones that know you don’t fit a mold.
Not all your beliefs align with theirs,
But that’s OK with them.

You have a lot of Facebook friends.
Everybody does.
They make a lot of noise.
Who needs that much volume?

Week One of the cleanse.
Change your Facebook photo to
Ted Cruz for President!
See if your friends list diminishes.

Week Two of the cleanse.
New Facebook photo is now
Hillary in 2016! 
Other friends will drop away.

Two weeks into the process,
You’re losing friends left and right.
(See what I did there?)

Week Three of the cleanse.
Facebook photo becomes
Gay Rights For Everyone!
That will make people wonder.

Week Four of the cleanse.
Facebook photo is Jesus.
Jesus for President 2016!
(Actually, He’s ineligible to run,
Unless He can find a Hawaiian birth certificate.)

Now, see how many “friends”
You have left online.
Maybe you didn’t need that
Many friends after all.

Now, ask your real friends
What they thought about the month.
Some will find it hilarious.
Others will just say you’re insane.

Your real friends are any of them
That didn’t even notice.

Feel better?

Indiana

I don’t care what you want to do.
I don’t even care who you’re doing it to.

But if we shall remain the Land of the Free,
Then, would you please stop trying to do it to me?