A Young Millennial’s Prayer

Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.

Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.

Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.

I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.

Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.

Two Become One

In Genesis 2:24, there is a beautiful quote:
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This just means that Adam and Eve
Never had a Chihuahua.
Chihuahuas can make cleaving difficult.


Seventeen years, and we’ve learned a lot.
Mostly, I’ve learned a lot,
And most of that was about pets.
So it goes.

I’ve learned that big families are not strange.
(Though some of the members may be.)
I’ve learned that garlic goes in everything.
But I still won’t put it in my tea.

If you want to sleep until 11am,
Just put the dogs to bed at three.
(This requires being awake at three.)
When you walk around barefoot,
You will always find the pee.

A dog is your companion,
A dog will win your hearts.
However, most critically,
A dog takes blame for your farts.

Speaking of emissions,
If you ever gently break wind,
And your dogs all flee the room,
Just realize you have sinned.

Your dog will always be close to you.
Nobody is as faithful as Rover.
He gravitates to anything with your scent.
Always turn your pillow over.

You will notice that eventually,
Everyone in your family gets the same diseases.
So, take good notes the first time around,
And always avoid the one that sneezes.


Happy Birthday to you!
Another trip around the sun.
Some trips are annoying,
Some trips are fun.

That’s where they rhyming part ends.
My head hurts and I can’t find
My rhyming dictionary.
So, another crappy birthday poem follows.

My apologies in advance.
I hope it’s not a bore.
I should just say Rocky wrote it,
So people would cry for more.

Sigh. I’m not bitter about that.

Here’s an interesting fact.
If you had walked a mile each day,
Since the day you were born,
That would be 19,710 miles!

Your Fitbit would be very happy.
Also, you would have been walking at birth,
A very impressive feat! (feet?)
So, this is probably hypothetical.

Your Mom probably would have stopped you,
Since you shouldn’t be walking that young.
On the other hand, I’ve met your siblings,
So maybe she would have said, “Bon Voyage!”

Back to the hypothetical walking,
Today, you would be almost 80% of the way
Around the earth (give or take).
Holding your breath across the ocean-y bits.

However, you keep insisting on taking cruise ships.
So, walking around the world is probably out.
Also, you would have ended up back in New York.
Since the world is round-ish.

So, you’re in Dallas, not New York.
You’re a year older, but at least you’re not 55.
It could be worse, because it could always be worse.
Did I mention Rocky wrote this?

Happy Birthday.