Thank you for calling AT&T,
Your system’s going up and down I see.
The trouble may be on your end,
Please reboot and try again.
Rebooting didn’t fix the pain?
Perhaps you should reboot again.
We could try to send someone to you
It’s Monday now, would Thursday do?
We replaced the modem you have inside,
So the problem must have moved outside.
We could try to send an outside guy,
How about Sunday – time does fly.
I tried to call to check the line.
It’s down, so you didn’t answer in time.
You’ve moved to the end of the queue.
Eventually, we’ll get to you.
Your phone calls have all begun to fail,
Your Internet is slower than the US mail,
We’re sure you’ll survive without TV,
And thanks for calling AT&T.
Editor’s Note: I’m going to start republishing some (very) old works by BJE, as I find them – just so they’re all collected in one place. This is from 1997, so that’s pretty old. Seriously, who remembers Palm Pilots?
Southbound from Chicago
With my baby by my side
She don’t know that she’s my baby
I should tell her – haven’t tried
Flying First while wrapped in love
Is a magical place to be
Free drinks, cashews and pretzels
Yet she still won’t notice me.
We haven’t really spoken
Since the preboard at O’Hare
She’s just sittin’ reading magazines
While pretending not to care.
At last my angel turns to speak
In her heavenly tone of voice…
She asked ‘Is that a Pilot?’
I stammered, ‘But, of course.’
Being a geek finally worked!
Since she has one too, it seems.
Alas, the moment’s already passed
And she’s back to magazines.
Gently touching down in Dallas
will finally end our lover’s game.
Should have nicked her boarding pass
So at least I’d know her name.
Another broken-hearted Friday night
Hailing airport taxis in the rain.
I’ve lost my faith in AAdvantage Gold
Next time, I’ll take the train!
ORD-DFW 16 May 1997 AA 2359 – What was her name, anyway?