I feel very secure these days.
My bank canceled my card,
Even though I didn’t go to Target.
I had extra money last month.
I was finally treading water,
Instead of drowning in debt.
Turns out, the extra money
Belonged to lots of companies.
They all charged my old card.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
The sound of charges bouncing.
No wonder I had extra money.
So, paying double bills now.
Updating profiles everywhere.
Ah, back to drowning.
I’m thinking my life should be reality TV.
I’d call it “Dogs Are Sweet But Expensive”.
No, “Wives Are Sour But Expensive.”
Maybe, “Single Was Lonely but Quiet”.
My wife will kill me when she sees this.
Wait. A cranky guy shot by a bitchy relative?
Wasn’t that one season of “Dallas”?
I may need to work on the concept.
I guess “working on the concept”
May be against the idea of reality.
We would turn on the cameras,
Then, see what happens next.
Here’s episode one as shot.
“What kind of dog is … I’m bleeding!”
We forgot Katie doesn’t like strangers.
They quickly stopped filming.
They hadn’t even met the other dogs.
They hadn’t met my wife, either.
I was a bit afraid that she would bite.
I told her she was the star, just in case.
A new cameraman eventually arrived.
The, as the crew walked down the hall,
My wife rather gently asked that
They avoid some of the rooms.
Of course, she’s Brooklyn-Italian, so
For showing on network television,
It would have to play back as
” Not in there!”
The crew followed me on my way to work,
Which was an hour of ing and crying
Down a perpetually under construction road.
The only drama was the Lexi constantly weaving.
I’m thinking we’ll get canceled.
Real reality is not that interesting.
Sailing to Europe,
Will take over a week.
Onboard, it’s all quiet,
Your phone doesn’t shriek.
That’s a major benefit
Of being at sea.
You can be connected,
Or you can be free.
A ship is not like a plane,
Where you arrive hours later.
Trips are measured in days.
Whether cruise ship or freighter.
I used to ride trains,
Traveled from coast to coast.
Speed of 79 miles per hour,
That was the most.
I drive faster than that when I’m late for work. Unless you’re a police officer.
With “pedal to the metal”,
A ship might do 20 knots.
That’s 23 miles per hour.
Which is “slow” in some spots.
Flying home just last month,
We were doing 20 knots in a jet.
We were taxiing to the runway.
Since we weren’t flying yet.
So, a cruise isn’t quick,
It can take quite a while.
But that’s not always bad.
You’ll arrive with a smile.
When I was (much) younger,
All TV shows had commercials.
They interrupted at key points.
It was really annoying.
We didn’t even have remotes.
If you wanted to change the channel,
You needed to get off of the couch,
Or a little brother.
Thank goodness for progress.
Today, many of us now have DVRs.
Now, we can skip over commercials.
Fast-Forward. Zip. Zip.
The only problem I have
Is not knowing what time
Any of my shows are actually on.
I never watch live any more.
So, now, commercials don’t work as well.
Companies have to move to new tactics.
Today, we have product placement.
It is only subliminally annoying.
I was thinking about this yesterday.
I was stuck in traffic in my Ford Edge.
The built-in GPS found me a new route.
All cars should be this well-engineered.
After I got home, I realized something.
I hate the idea of product placement.
It’s usually not done very well.
It’s just not very subtle.
Woke up my laptop this morning,
Immediate Blue Screen of Death.
Time to go make coffee,
Then stop and catch my breath.
A cold and dead laptop.
This is not how to start a day.
Of course, it means a half-hour
To restart and pray.
I really hate Windows.
Every version seems slower.
My expectations were low,
But they’re falling still lower.
My company wants me to upgrade.
“Go to Linux”, they said.
But their products are on Windows.
It’s really hurting my head.
The coffee is ready,
My laptop is restarted.
It’s time for the morning,
Not for the faint-hearted.
(Editor’s Note: Recycled from the BJE Facebook page, published there August 5, 2010. This makes it a bonus track for NaPoWriMo 2014.)
BJE said – I don’t want to use any real establishment names, because my lawyer said that would be bad. Let’s just say this was written while watching the crowd at a really big mart where Jessica Simpson would think you bought walls.
with apologies (and a nod) to Right Said Fred
I’m too sexy for this place
I’ve just seen a face
It was on “Without A Trace”
Too sexy …
I’m too sexy for this mart
I’m filling up my cart
I hope that smell’s a fart
Too sexy …
I’m too sexy but I’m old
I’d never be quite so bold
Say, don’t your ass get cold?
Too sexy …
I’m too sexy for my sight
They’re giving me a fright
They all come out at night
Too sexy …
I’m too sexy for this food
I’m hope that I’m not rude
But that chick there’s a dude
Too sexy …
I’m too sexy for this store
I think I saw a whore
I’m running for the door
Too sexy …
I’m too sexy ’cause I’m white
My receipt’s kept out of sight
The guards just nod “Good night!”
Too sexy …
Always respect your elders.
Remember their wisdom is available.
Their experiences can help you.
You can learn from them.
I try to remember this.
I ask my elders questions.
With a reverential tone.
Burning questions, like:
“Why do you have real stock certificates?”
“Are you sure you don’t want a paperless statement?”
“How can too many people friend you on Facebook?”
“You still have AOL?”
Perhaps I’m not being respectful enough,
Since I usually don’t get a happy answer.
I’m sorry. I just wondered.
I will rephrase the question.
For my children, before you ask,
AOL is to Facebook as Pong is to Mortal Kombat.
If you’ve never heard of Pong, Google it.
Or, ask your history teacher.
If you’ve never heard of AOL, look in grandpa’s attic.
There’s probably a few dozen of their CDs up there.
Why am I still at work?
I should be home.
I’m such a jerk.
There’s one good way
From there to here,
It’s being rebuilt,
Over four long years.
So, traffic keeps me working late,
I have a lot upon my plate.
Still, I’d rather be with family,
But traffic keeps me in agony.
It’s a hot, dry day in Dallas town.
The roads are straight all around.
Yet, cars crash and many swerved,
I’m glad the streets aren’t really curved.
I gave a girl my number,
Since she was really cute.
She called me sixteen times that night,
But my cell phone was on mute.
So, now I have to call her back,
Since I didn’t pick up her call.
I’m sure she thinks I blocked her,
I didn’t hear my phone at all
My ringtone is a song I like,
I just can’t always tell.
I keep missing ladies calling me,
When I hear “Heartbreak Hotel”.
Tomorrow is “Take Your Dog to Work Day’.
I worked at home today,
So my dogs were already here.
They could come visit me.
Over and over again.
I had multiple breeds snoring all day.
I still managed to get some work done.
Mainly, because they sleep so much.
(They would love conference calls.)
However, I had an interesting thought.
Dogs in an office could cause strange utterances.
Some of these would be actionable, if aimed at people, not dogs.
What if you were writing a report and heard:
“Stop scratching me!”
“Get off of me!”
and, of course, the big one:
“Rocky! Stop humping her!”
HR would not be amused.
So, before you take your dogs to work,
Discuss it with your co-workers.
Make sure humping will be OK for one day.
Maybe it’s best to just work at home.