Food?
AIDS.
Medicine?
West NIle Virus.
Money?
Ebola.
I hope we don’t get Africa
In the gift exchange again.
Modern Age
uVerse Blues
Thank you for calling AT&T,
Your system’s going up and down I see.
The trouble may be on your end,
Please reboot and try again.
Rebooting didn’t fix the pain?
Perhaps you should reboot again.
We could try to send someone to you
It’s Monday now, would Thursday do?
We replaced the modem you have inside,
So the problem must have moved outside.
We could try to send an outside guy,
How about Sunday – time does fly.
I tried to call to check the line.
It’s down, so you didn’t answer in time.
You’ve moved to the end of the queue.
Eventually, we’ll get to you.
Your phone calls have all begun to fail,
Your Internet is slower than the US mail,
We’re sure you’ll survive without TV,
And thanks for calling AT&T.
Weather
I am trying to understand weather forecasts.
It is difficult, because there are many sources.
Each of them has a slightly different opinion.
Forecasts are really just opinions.
Also, TV weather is different from others.
TV weather is based on viewing area.
TV signals go a lot farther than ZIP codes,
Or even county lines.
So, when the TV weather guy breaks in,
Just as the killer will be unmasked,
Or the million dollar winner is revealed,
Just as the season is building to a climax…
It may be because you are under immediate threat.
It may also be that three farmers and some goats
Are about to get wet in Southern Oklahoma.
Always check the maps,
I suppose,
Is the lesson here.
Douglas Adams once wrote “Don’t Panic.”
I’m pretty sure he was watching TV at the time.
He was probably in London,
And it was storming in Southampton.
It’s 80 miles from London to Southampton,
Which is 128 kilometers in metric.
This would have been much funnier
If it had been 42 in either.
So it goes.
Here is the easy way to check the weather,
Send the dogs out in the yard.
If they come in wet,
(or don’t go out at all)
It’s raining.
If they come in cold and white,
It’s snowing.
If they go out the back,
And come in through the front door,
(Or get stuck on the roof somehow)
You may have a slight tornado.
Now back to our regular programming,
Already in progress.
Crisis
I’ve drunk cheap Scotch,
I’ve had bad food.
I’ve been insulted
By people who were rude.
It just made me stronger.
These problems that I met.
But then I went sailing,
And lost the Internet.
That one hurt.
A lot.
CVS Blues
This isn’t my prescription.
I need more of this drug.
This paperwork is last year’s.
I don’t get a jar, I get a jug.
My insurance covers this.
Why do you charge so much?
I think you ran it wrong.
Do you think we’re going Dutch?
This is pure insanity.
Why do I wait so long?
When I smoked pot in college,
My dealer never got it wrong.
I-635 Blues
Slide on over, baby.
Slide on over slow.
We’re about to miss our exit.
I don’t know where to go.
Move on over, baby.
Move on over fast.
There’s a tanker truck a comin’
I’m fixin’ to get passed.
Drive on over, baby.
Drive on to this song.
I’ve never seen such traffic.
It’s rush hour all day long.
Roll on over, baby.
You know my heart’s on fire.
There’s a pothole in the roadway,
And I’m about to lose a tire.
Glide on over, baby.
Glide on ’til you see.
There’s a thousand cars around here,
They’re all aiming straight at me.
Speed on over, baby.
Speed up as you drive.
I saw a sign back over,
That says go sixty-five.
Look on over, baby.
Look across your dash.
There’s a bunch of angry people.
They must have had a crash.
Slide on over, baby.
Slide on to arrive.
By the time they finish building,
I’ll be too old to drive.
Security
I feel very secure these days.
My bank canceled my card,
Even though I didn’t go to Target.
I had extra money last month.
I was finally treading water,
Instead of drowning in debt.
Turns out, the extra money
Belonged to lots of companies.
They all charged my old card.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
The sound of charges bouncing.
No wonder I had extra money.
Oops.
So, paying double bills now.
Updating profiles everywhere.
Ah, back to drowning.
Thanks, Target.
Reality TV
I’m thinking my life should be reality TV.
I’d call it “Dogs Are Sweet But Expensive”.
No, “Wives Are Sour But Expensive.”
Maybe, “Single Was Lonely but Quiet”.
My wife will kill me when she sees this.
Wait. A cranky guy shot by a bitchy relative?
Wasn’t that one season of “Dallas”?
I may need to work on the concept.
I guess “working on the concept”
May be against the idea of reality.
We would turn on the cameras,
Then, see what happens next.
Here’s episode one as shot.
“What kind of dog is … I’m bleeding!”
We forgot Katie doesn’t like strangers.
They quickly stopped filming.
They hadn’t even met the other dogs.
They hadn’t met my wife, either.
I was a bit afraid that she would bite.
I told her she was the star, just in case.
A new cameraman eventually arrived.
The, as the crew walked down the hall,
My wife rather gently asked that
They avoid some of the rooms.
Of course, she’s Brooklyn-Italian, so
For showing on network television,
It would have to play back as
” Not in there!”
The crew followed me on my way to work,
Which was an hour of ing and crying
Down a perpetually under construction road.
The only drama was the Lexi constantly weaving.
I’m thinking we’ll get canceled.
Real reality is not that interesting.
Lost At Sea
Sailing to Europe,
Will take over a week.
Onboard, it’s all quiet,
Your phone doesn’t shriek.
That’s a major benefit
Of being at sea.
You can be connected,
Or you can be free.
A ship is not like a plane,
Where you arrive hours later.
Trips are measured in days.
Whether cruise ship or freighter.
I used to ride trains,
Traveled from coast to coast.
Speed of 79 miles per hour,
That was the most.
I drive faster than that when I’m late for work. Unless you’re a police officer.
With “pedal to the metal”,
A ship might do 20 knots.
That’s 23 miles per hour.
Which is “slow” in some spots.
Flying home just last month,
We were doing 20 knots in a jet.
We were taxiing to the runway.
Since we weren’t flying yet.
So, a cruise isn’t quick,
It can take quite a while.
But that’s not always bad.
You’ll arrive with a smile.
Commercials
When I was (much) younger,
All TV shows had commercials.
They interrupted at key points.
It was really annoying.
We didn’t even have remotes.
If you wanted to change the channel,
You needed to get off of the couch,
Or a little brother.
Thank goodness for progress.
Today, many of us now have DVRs.
Now, we can skip over commercials.
Fast-Forward. Zip. Zip.
It’s fun.
The only problem I have
Is not knowing what time
Any of my shows are actually on.
I never watch live any more.
So, now, commercials don’t work as well.
Companies have to move to new tactics.
Today, we have product placement.
It is only subliminally annoying.
I was thinking about this yesterday.
I was stuck in traffic in my Ford Edge.
The built-in GPS found me a new route.
All cars should be this well-engineered.
After I got home, I realized something.
I hate the idea of product placement.
It’s usually not done very well.
It’s just not very subtle.