Mo(u)rning

Woke up my laptop this morning,
Immediate Blue Screen of Death.
Time to go make coffee,
Then stop and catch my breath.

A cold and dead laptop.
This is not how to start a day.
Of course, it means a half-hour
To restart and pray.

I really hate Windows.
Every version seems slower.
My expectations were low,
But they’re falling still lower.

My company wants me to upgrade.
“Go to Linux”, they said.
But their products are on Windows.
It’s really hurting my head.

The coffee is ready,
My laptop is restarted.
It’s time for the morning,
Not for the faint-hearted.

SuperCenter Blues

(Editor’s Note: Recycled from the BJE Facebook page, published there August 5, 2010. This makes it a bonus track for NaPoWriMo 2014.)

BJE said – I don’t want to use any real establishment names, because my lawyer said that would be bad. Let’s just say this was written while watching the crowd at a really big mart where Jessica Simpson would think you bought walls.

SuperCenter Blues
with apologies (and a nod) to Right Said Fred

I’m too sexy for this place
I’ve just seen a face
It was on “Without A Trace”
Too sexy …

I’m too sexy for this mart
I’m filling up my cart
I hope that smell’s a fart
Too sexy …

I’m too sexy but I’m old
I’d never be quite so bold
Say, don’t your ass get cold?
Too sexy …

I’m too sexy for my sight
They’re giving me a fright
They all come out at night
Too sexy …

I’m too sexy for this food
I’m hope that I’m not rude
But that chick there’s a dude
Too sexy …

I’m too sexy for this store
I think I saw a whore
I’m running for the door
Too sexy …

I’m too sexy ’cause I’m white
My receipt’s kept out of sight
The guards just nod “Good night!”
Too sexy …

 

Respect Your Elders

Always respect your elders.
Remember their wisdom is available.
Their experiences can help you.
You can learn from them.

I try to remember this.
I ask my elders questions.
With a reverential tone.

Burning questions, like:
“Why do you have real stock certificates?”
“Are you sure you don’t want a paperless statement?”
“How can too many people friend you on Facebook?”
“You still have AOL?”

Perhaps I’m not being respectful enough,
Since I usually don’t get a happy answer.
I’m sorry. I just wondered.
I will rephrase the question.

For my children, before you ask,
AOL is to Facebook as Pong is to Mortal Kombat.
If you’ve never heard of Pong, Google it.
Or, ask your history teacher.
If you’ve never heard of AOL, look in grandpa’s attic.
There’s probably a few dozen of their CDs up there.

Rush Hour

Why am I still at work?
I should be home.
I’m such a jerk. 

There’s one good way 
From there to here,
It’s being rebuilt,
Over four long years.

So, traffic keeps me working late,
I have a lot upon my plate. 
Still, I’d rather be with family,
But traffic keeps me in agony.

It’s a hot, dry day in Dallas town.
The roads are straight all around.
Yet, cars crash and many swerved,
I’m glad the streets aren’t really curved.

 

Cell Phone Blues

I gave a girl my number,
Since she was really cute.
She called me sixteen times that night,
But my cell phone was on mute.

So, now I have to call her back,
Since I didn’t pick up her call.
I’m sure she thinks I blocked her,
I didn’t hear my phone at all

My ringtone is a song I like,
I just can’t always tell.
I keep missing ladies calling me,
When I hear “Heartbreak Hotel”.

Working At Home

Tomorrow is “Take Your Dog to Work Day’.
I worked at home today,
So my dogs were already here.

They could come visit me.
Over and over again.
I had multiple breeds snoring all day.

I still managed to get some work done.
Mainly, because they sleep so much.
(They would love conference calls.)
However, I had an interesting thought.

Dogs in an office could cause strange utterances.
Some of these would be actionable, if aimed at people, not dogs.

What if you were writing a report and heard:
“Stop scratching me!”
“Get down!”
“Get off of me!”

and, of course, the big one:

“Rocky! Stop humping her!”

HR would not be amused.

So, before you take your dogs to work,
Discuss it with your co-workers.
Make sure humping will be OK for one day.

Maybe it’s best to just work at home.

Love, Today

I wonder what my Love is doing right now?
A question for the ages.
The beginning of many love scenes.
You care about someone wherever they may be.

Here’s how it goes down today.
I’m at work, waiting to get picked up.
We’re going to dinner with my Mom.
I’ve completed all possible tasks for the day.

“I wonder what my Love is doing right now?”
Hop onto Family Locator website
She’s shopping.
Hop onto the bank website.
Holy *&^#@#!!!

Back to Family Locator.
She’s still bloody there!
I’m starving!
Where the hell is she?
(Rhetorical. I just found her.)

So, now, I’m starving.
I’m broke.
I’m annoyed.

I don’t really want to know where she is.
Let’s just leave well enough alone.

Resource Action

I did not get fired this week.
Neither did most of my friends.
Some of my friends were told
They should find new jobs.
Immediately.

One was told she had four weeks
To find a job outside the company.
Excuse me, if you’re terminated,
Don’t you have the rest of your life?

I suppose this is a kinder, gentler firing.
At least for the managers.
If it’s a resource action,
You don’t have to fire anyone.
Some resources just got moved.
Away.

I hate MBA-speak.
You fired the poor bastards.
They are not resources.
They are people.
Grow a pair.

Also, I know the jobs are different,
But it’s still a bit uncool
To be hiring outsiders
During a resource action.
Just sayin’.

Multitasking

We are completely wired these days.
You can’t escape the office, no matter where you go.
In fact, you have multiple pathways to the office.
This is a blessing and a curse.

I can answer my emails, Chat online with co-workers,
Watch baseball games (I could, I never would!),
Update Facebook (social networking)
And be on a conference call.

All at the same time.

It’s called multitasking.
Multitasking is great,
Since you get more done.
At least, it can seem that way.

This means, of course,
Not everything gets 100% attention.
So, sometimes, you can get confused.

Here’s some  good tips to help you  –

Re-read all your emails before you press “Send”.
This prevents typos.
Typos could be just misspellings,
Or could be sending “Love you, too, Magic Ass!”
To your customer instead of your wife.

If you answer a question late on a call,
Since you were writing email and chatting,
Always preface with “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
If you weren’t listening, use the same excuse.

For some reason, if you can’t talk on the phone,
People assume you can’t hear, either.
If you can’t talk or hear, why are you on the phone?

That said –

When you’re on a conference call, go on mute.
This avoids having your dogs heard on the call.
It also avoids yelling “AirHogs WIN!”
When discussing next month’s financials.
Actually, you will still yell it,
If you were watching a game, which I am not,
But at least nobody would hear it.

AirHogs WIN!

After you do your victory dance,
Pick the phone back up, and
If you hear an awkward silence,
Say “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”

The Attic

The attic was a magical place,
Where all of your past was stored.
If you didn’t want to toss it,
Up to the attic it went.

Of course, in some regions,
It was down to the basement, instead.
It depends on where you live.

Then again, if you’re scared to go in the attic,
Or you don’t have a basement,
You might use the garage.

I fear I’m getting off track.

Now, everything is going digital.
So, photos and albums aren’t in the attic.
They’re on your hard drive.
Hopefully.

If you don’t have a good filing system,
And I certainly don’t,
Then, your hard drive is a magical place.
You never know what you might find.

As long as you don’t find love letters
From someone who’s not in your house,
There is no telling what you share.

I found our late budgie’s first record.
Well, it’s not really a record,
It’s just a bunch of MP3s.
Still, it’s more than I ever recorded.

So, look around your hard drive.
You never know what you may find.
I hope it’s magical.

—————————-

Here’s Basil’s first record, for your listening pleasure. He didn’t write particularly long songs, but then again, he was a budgie.

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/playlists/6582852″ params=”” width=” 100%” height=”450″ iframe=”true” /]