Tubes.
Metal Tubes.
They keep things safe.
Cigars, for example.
My cigar is in cellophane.
Yours is in a metal tube.
Game over.
You win.
So, you would think
A metal tube would be cool.
Not always.
I was in a metal tube yesterday.
Two of them, in fact.
Now, I feel like death,
Warmed over.
If you have a treasured cigar,
Don’t put wings on its metal tube.
You will have a cigar with a fever.
A long nine-hour flight to Philly.
The flight crew seems a little chilly.
American uniforms but under there,
Are souls that came from USAir.
There’s a woman crouched in 7E.
She’s annoying all the staff she sees.
If our steward hears another “Sir?”,
He’s going to go United on her.
This flight is long, a Transatlantic,
So all the rookies are quite frantic.
In coach, the lunch was Shepherd’s Pie.
But how many shepherds had to die?
Please.
Let us board.
I want a cramped seat.
I want noisy neighbors.
I want the Hell out of here.
Please let us board.
It is a long way to Tipperary.
I know that this is true.
We’ve been gone two weeks,
And we’re only in Barcelona.
Coffee,
Bacon,
Bacon,
Coffee,
Coffee,
Bacon,
Toast,
Bacon,
Coffee.
Hmm. Rough seas today.
I feel queasy.
Even on a ship,
People are in cocoons.
There should be a way
To have some interactions.
I found an easy way.
Wander down the halls.
Look for “Do Not Disturb.”
Change to “Make Up Cabin.”
You have allowed people
To meet their cabin steward.
Bringing people together.
Feel good about yourself.
Sitting at the Garden Cafe,
The Golden Corral of the Sea.
Buffets, the great equalizer.
Watching the world go by.
Masses of people,
Masses of calories.
Many look very lost.
Some look confused.
Some look … wow.
This is the same gene pool
That gave us Heidi Klum
And Stephen Hawking.
Hard to believe.
I need dessert.
Back into the crowds.
A slot pull is a way to become rich.
That is the theory.
Actually, it’s the co-ed softball
of the casino.
In co-ed softball,
When the team loses,
The men say
The women hit like girls.
The women say
The men are all frustrated jocks.
Everyone laughes.
In a slot pull,
Instead of losing money alone,
You lose it on a team.
We turned $15 each into $7 each!
Now, this may seem like we
Each lost 8 bucks.
However, if everyone had shown up,
And if someone would have played left-handed,
We’d all be millionaires.
Everyone laughes.
I never knew a pub crawl
Could be so organized.
Actually, it can’t.
Just pick a starting place.
Might want a starting time.
Then, go have a drink.
Teams will self-organize.
This takes time.
But not much.
Sometimes, true stories can make a good poem. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, actually. For those of us who wrote Santa every year and got squat, it’s disconcerting to know that the youngest generation can get pretty much anything on-demand.
Alexa, I need four pounds of cookies,
The ones my Mommy refuses to buy.
I don’t know why she hates cookies.
I even tried starting to cry.
Alexa, please send me a dollhouse.
My dolls are all out on the street.
My brother said they’re like hookers,
I just want them out of the heat.
I know you need my Daddy’s password.
It’s 11-15, I think.
It’s the day before they were married.
He said it’s the last day his life didn’t stink.
Mommy and Daddy are cranky.
They bitch about their age all the time.
That’s why I love you Alexa,
At least you’re still in your prime.