Sailing

I thought I saw a dolphin,
Out swimming in the sea.
It could have been a mermaid,
They look the same to me.
(I need my glasses.)

I’m on the second watch,
I’m sitting on my balcony.
I’m on my third Mojito,
So it looks pretty clear to me.
(Rum is tasty.)

I was born to be a sailor,
To explore the Seven Seas.
I just need a decent cabin,
And another Mojito, please.
(Watching the ocean is thirsty work.)

This may not be the life,
Of the brave sailors of old times.
They made a living sailing,
Among their many crimes.

I’m too late to be a pirate,
As Jimmy Buffett said.
Yet, staring at the ocean
Will get inside your head.
(Can you get me another Mojito?)

Progress

The Cutty Sark made seventeen knots,

From London Town to China.

She used the wind to carry tea.

For a time, there were none finer.

The clipper ships were eclipsed

By new ships powered by steam.

The steamship beat the ships with sails,

But sails are still a sailor’s dream.

So, today I’m doing twenty knots,

With diesel-electric power down below.

Three knots faster than the Cutty Sark.

Is it such a better way to go?

Old Folks Cruise

Turn the music up loud.
Dance lessons, please.
Break out the cards and board games.
Take the chewy stuff off the buffet.
Nothing starts until 11:00am.
Everything ends by 9:45pm.
Don’t schedule anything at naptime.
Bingo is sacred.

Columbus on a Cruise

Imagine if Columbus didn’t have
The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria.
What if he just took Norwegian?

Sailing out of Barcelona.
Nothing but blue skies and blue seas.
(Maybe a Carnival ship, but that’s confusing.)

“Sir! We’re out of salt tack!”
The buffet is on deck 10.
Washy, Washy. Happy, Happy.

“Sir! I burned my eyes with the sextant.”
Why aren’t you using the GPS?
Why are we steering manually, anyway?

“Sir! When will we arrive?”
We should be in Miami on Tuesday.
I’ll be in the casino.

Love @ 31,000 Feet

Editor’s Note: I’m going to start republishing some (very) old works by BJE, as I find them – just so they’re all collected in one place. This is from 1997, so that’s pretty old. Seriously, who remembers Palm Pilots?

Southbound from Chicago
With my baby by my side
She don’t know that she’s my baby
I should tell her – haven’t tried

Flying First while wrapped in love
Is a magical place to be
Free drinks, cashews and pretzels
Yet she still won’t notice me.

We haven’t really spoken
Since the preboard at O’Hare
She’s just sittin’ reading magazines
While pretending not to care.

At last my angel turns to speak
In her heavenly tone of voice…
She asked ‘Is that a Pilot?’
I stammered, ‘But, of course.’

Being a geek finally worked!
Since she has one too, it seems.
Alas, the moment’s already passed
And she’s back to magazines.

Gently touching down in Dallas
will finally end our lover’s game.
Should have nicked her boarding pass
So at least I’d know her name.

Another broken-hearted Friday night
Hailing airport taxis in the rain.
I’ve lost my faith in AAdvantage Gold
Next time, I’ll take the train!

ORD-DFW 16 May 1997 AA 2359 – What was her name, anyway?

Go West, Young Man

Someone said (a long time ago),
“Go West, Young Man!”
Words of travel wisdom.
The direction of progress, if you can.

The reason you go West
Is simple as can be.
You gain an hour almost every day,
As you sail across the sea.

Sailing East usually means
You’re looking a bit dour
(If you’re somewhat European)
Plus, you lose a freakin’ hour.

Losing an hour a day sucks.
It’s why people fly over the seas.
Planes are not as romantic as ships,
Just yank that Band-Aid off at once, please.

Outbound

I’m not that fond of Miami,
But it’s where the ships all live.
They won’t sail up to Dallas,
No matter how much I give.

We’re off to Barcelona,
I’ve never been to Spain.
(But I kinda like the music.)
That song is quite a pain.

See you in a couple weeks,
We’ll be sailing across the sea.
I’ll be thinking of you always.
Don’t have meetings without me!

Vacation Day

Vacation Day is like Christmas Day.
It changes as you age.
When you’re young, excitement.
When you’re older, stress and rage.

Where is the camera?
What’s in this bag?
Where’s the pet sitter?
Stop your crying jag!

Where is the taxi?
Isn’t it late?
I’m not ready yet.
I don’t feel so great.

Do we have everything?
What did we forget?
Who’s feeding Mom?
I don’t recall who lost the bet.

I’m almost ready.
Just one more conference call.
Go ahead and start loading.
I’ll be right with y’all.

Close the taxi door.
At last we are away.
Did you transfer all our savings?
Because now we start to pay.

Hey! I’m not hyperventilating.
I’m starting to unwind.
Stress is dissolving.
Real life is off my mind.

Did you turn the coffee pot off?