Verbal Tics

I am at an age where
I notice certain things.
I am at an age where
I notice annoying things.
Literally.

One of those this things
Infected a YouTube video
That my wife was watching.
I could literally hear the audio
Even though she was across the room.
Literally.

A lot of people have verbal tics.
They will literally say them
All the time.
It’s cringe-inducing.
Literally.

My tic is that I say “Um”.
I literally say “Um”
All the time.

I might even be saying “Um”
While I’m trying to write this,
But I promise I will edit them out.
Actually, I don’t type them,
I just hear them in my head.
Literally.

So, if I say “Um” to you,
It means my brain is working.
Perhaps.
People should just have a LED
On their forehead that says,
“Working.”
Literally.

Budgeting

I have a budget project.
It’s for accounting class.
Obviously.
It’s a pain in the ass.
Obviously.

We have to make up numbers.
Technically, we research.
I have actuals from projects.
So, a hard drive search.
Painfully.

We’re still in business,
So I should get an ‘A’.
I have to make a completed event
Appear it would be a successful day.
I’m pulling for a ‘B+’.

Adventure Escaped

We are going to get an RV.
It is time to hit the open road.
We will go wherever we wanted.
We will be Grandparent Ninjas,
Swooping in to visit and vanishing.

Off to discover America on the open road.
We would have no schedule to meet.
Sleep wherever we wanted to sleep.
Stay as long as we liked.
Vanish with the wind.

We learned some of the lingo.
I signed up for all the emails.
We watched all the RV programs.
We yelled at all the families
Who obviously picked the wrong unit.

I started a blog because I was serious.
I began mapping our planned journeys.
We would retrace some of the long roads
We had previously traveled by car.
This would be so much less stressful.

Finally we started looking at RVs.
I wanted a Class A like Willie’s bus,
Just with less smoke.
My wife wanted a travel trailer.
She didn’t want to be a bus driver.

Some RVs seemed a wee bit small,
Especially for larger people.
Then, my wife reclined on an RV bed,
With her relatively bad back.
She said, “Where will you sleep?”

We both considered driving with forty feet
Of metal following behind on every turn.
We’d both backed into things in cars.
I wondered how to determine bridge ratings
Before we plunged into a raging river.

Soon we realized it was convenient to
Sleep wherever you wanted to sleep.
Stay as long as you liked.
Have coffee and breakfast in the morning.

We will save a lot of money not getting a RV.
This savings will help cushion the sadness.
Much of the savings will end up going to
Our friends at Hampton Inns worldwide.
We’d drive beds with us but they have them already.

Since we don’t have to drive our beds around,
The rest of the RV savings fund goes to
Our friends at Southwest Airlines.
They go pretty much where we would have driven,
And they actually go faster than my wife.

I’m sad we are not getting an RV.
On the other hand, I can afford the groceries
My wife can fit inside a car, even a rental.
I’m not sure how much of Carfagna’s
She could have fit inside a toy hauler.

Insomnia

I hear my wife gently breathing.
I hear the dogs rustling around.
I hear the owl calling outside.
I hear the rain hit the ground.

I hear the water in the pipes.
I hear the A/C turning on.
I hear leaves falling.
I hear grass on the lawn.

I hear the ducts expanding.
I hear the monsters creep.
I hear the alarm sounding.
Now, I can sleep.

Tax Days

All the numbers that I just copied,
Say “This info furnished to the IRS.”
That’s so nice and easy.
The Feds don’t have to guess.

If they have the info already,
And they design the forms to fill.
Why don’t they just do our taxes?
Then just send us out our bill.

Birthday Plans

My birthday is this Tuesday.
I will spend it recovering from taxes.
Oh, such fun is my birthday!

I will be fifty-nine years old.
Too young to die,
Too old to work at IBM.

My party is not on Tuesday.
My party is this afternoon.
My family celebrates on weekends.

My family is weird that way.
The government moved holidays to Monday,
And my parents misread the memo.

So, today is my party.
Yee haw!
I still won’t get a pony.
Damn.

Maybe Tuesday a pony will arrive.
I’m not holding my breath.
Who can hold their breath for two days?

Weekend

Weekends should be restful.
A time to recharge and relax.
This weekend, my schedule is not.
I have mentoring, a funeral,
A birthday party and more mentoring.
Plus, homework and taxes.
Can’t I just go to work instead?

Elements

Someone once said that
The two most common elements
Were hydrogen and stupidity.
This person did not have a Chihuahua.

If he had, the phrase would have been
The top three elements, and the
Most prevalent of all would have been
lovely, shedding Chihuahua hair.

I went to Peoria, Illinois on business.
It was far away from hearth and home.
I had my computers and my clothes,
And in my suitcase, Chihuahua hair.

My wife is having a midlife crisis.
She dyed her hair purple and blue.
The crisis was just a cover story.
She just wants to know which hair is hers.

If my wife had replaced Neil Armstrong,
The quote for history would have been
“That’s one small step for man …
Dammit! Where is all this hair from?”

Really?
Do you need to ask?