No rhymes in my poem.
My wife says it doesn’t count.
This is haiku, bitch.
NaPoWriMo
National Poetry Writing Month (April)
Quiet Morning
Saturday morning at last.
Nothing to do until noon.
(Bark, bark, bark)
A honey-do list I can ignore.
Only peace and quiet.
(Woof, woof, woof)
Just drifting back to sleep,
With a Chihuahua on my head.
(Growl, growl, growl)
Does anyone train dogs to make coffee?
Rules
I’m a Reverend, but this is as close to a sermon as I’ll get.
In fact, it’s the first one I ever wrote.
I did a wedding once, but I didn’t have to say anything original.
It’s probably why they’re still married.
I do lead the invocations at KNON board meetings,
But that’s because I’m leading the meetings.
If the real Reverend is there, he gets to do it.
He’s better at it than I am.
Bow your heads and pray for the weekend.
I’m Christian by birth, so this is about the Rules I learned.
Buddha has some cool suggestions for living, too.
There are other sets of Rules available.
Ask your local preacher.
It’s interesting to consider that
Old Testament God had Ten Rules
(some about Him, some about people),
and New Testament God had Two
(both about love.)
New Testament God was a good editor, I suppose.
Maybe Old Testament God was being paid by the word.
Mel Brooks said Old Testament God had Fifteen Rules,
But that was to set up a sight gag.
It was pretty funny, actually.
I don’t think Mel Brooks is a theologian.
So, you either have two rules or ten that sum up
Everything you need to know about how to behave.
Assuming you’re Christian, were raised Christian,
Or you borrowed a Bible from a friend.
Yet, nobody told the Governments we elected.
They have thousands of rules.
They make more of them all the time.
None of them ever seem to go away.
Many of the rules are pretty silly, actually.
(There are websites dedicated to silly laws. Google it.)
Maybe we should try just following the Ten,
Instead of inventing even more that people won’t follow.
Even if you don’t believe in Old Testament God.
(Even if you don’t believe in any God. )
They’re pretty easy to remember.
Try to remember the Ten now.
I’ll wait.
This isn’t a quiz, so don’t worry if you don’t get them all.
Amazingly, none of the Ten are about
health care insurance,
smoking pot or
gay marriage.
You would think with all the press they get,
Those topics would have their own section.
Maybe our priorities are screwed up.
(I think gay pot-smokers should be able to marry and pool their insurance.)
If you can’t remember the Ten, just try to remember the Two.
Remember, New Testament God was a good editor.
He was only on Earth thirty-three years, so He had to get to the point.
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
“This is the first and greatest commandment. “
“And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”
I guess if you’re an atheist, you can just skip the first rule.
The second one will still work nicely while you’re alive.
Before you go wherever atheists go when they die.
(I hope it’s not Heaven, because that would annoy them.)
It’s interesting quoting the Bible when I may go to Hell.
Even if I am a Reverend.
It’s almost like Linus reciting verses to Charlie Brown in a TV show.
Maybe not.
Still, perhaps we should all just be civil to each other.
Love one another.
That’s something new to try.
Shall we?
Sports Center
Some people around here (I’m looking at you, Tony Romo)
Get paid rather enormous amounts of money each year
To fail in different and increasingly epic ways.
Maybe next year.
Sometimes, I think sports is the main reason
That “Epic Collapse” was invented as a phrase.
(Bridges are the other reason, and that’s worse.)
Only sports has a one-hour annual event
That requires sixteen hours of airtime on TV.
Some people seem relieved when the home team loses.
They’re out of contention. Failures. Doomed.
However, it does give you the rest of the season off to just relax.
Maybe next year.
But, sometimes, rarely,
After struggles and discord,
After playing through the pain,
After enough players thank God and Mom,
The home team are crowned the Champions of the World.
They’re the best!
They’re the winners!
We rock!
Maybe next year.
My team was crowned Champions a few years back.
The next day, I drove in bad traffic to a job that still sucked.
My pay did not increase and I didn’t get laid that night.
Does it really matter if the home team wins?
White Boy Blues
I went down to the crossroads,
Fell down on my knees.
I went down to the crossroads,
Fell down on my knees.
Nothing happened.
No devil.
No golden guitar.
Nothing.
Plus, I almost got hit by some idiot in a Lexus.
Glad I kept my day job.
Inside Every Fat Person is a Skinny Person Trying to Get Out
I am not a skinny person.
I’ve been told I have one inside me.
This is a wee bit scary.
If I do, he is a very bad skinny person.
He is the voice inside my head.
The voice says, “That pie looks tasty.”
Evil, evil skinny person.
You should go to Weight Watchers, not me.
Never Look A Gift Horse in the Mouth
It took years of whining but Mom finally got me a pony.
It was my best birthday ever.
I named my new pony “Steve.”
I combed him and walked him.
I put feed out for him.
I said, “Let’s eat, Steve!”
Then, I tried to look in his mouth.
I had never seen a pony’s teeth.
Steve bit me. Ouch.
I hope Steve is not rabid.
Like Two Ships Passing in the Night
It was really dark in the bar that night.
There was a loud cover band.
They sucked.
I saw her from the corner of my eye.
She looked like a Princess.
She was doing 18 knots in heavy seas.
I was full of oil and she had a buffet on her Lido deck.
This was a doomed relationship from the start.
It’s Hard
It’s Hard
to write something meaningful
when you’ve been trained to think in bullet points.
Sometimes, bullet points aren’t enough.
There’s no emotion, for example.
Sometimes, there’s no meaning.
But those are the bad bullet points.
A poem in bullet points would be strange.
- This would be the title. Probably in bold.
- Each line would be indented.
- And bulleted.
- Even ee cummings would think it sucked.
- ee cummings was a famous poet who didn’t like punctuation.
So, don’t do that.
And, stop thinking in bullet points.
It’s why nothing good comes out of meetings.