When I was back in college,
I took six long hours of Speech.
One of my classmates loved it,
It was preparing him to preach.
He joined the Seminary.
They gave him room and board.
He learned the secret handshake.
He was consecrated to the Lord.
He loved preaching his homilies.
He never noticed the time go by.
His parishioners would take notice.
His sermons made them cry.
It’s not that they weren’t moving,
Or his chosen words weren’t very strong.
It wasn’t even his repeated subjects.
It’s just that they were bloody long.
They called him “Father Long Words”,
But only behind his back.
They were plotting how to sneak out,
To try and find a snack.
Finally, someone called the Bishop.
They said, “He speaks too long.”
The Bishop said, “The Spirit is within him.”
The Bishop said, “Just play along.”
It took months of complaining.
But the Bishop finally heard.
He came to the Church one Sunday.
Then he said, “That is absurd.”
The Bishop heard Father Long Words,
He dozed off about half-way through.
So, he answered the cries of his people,
After snoring loudly from his pew.
The Bishop had him transferred.
Father Long Words moved around.
He would preach in a different parish,
Until that flock drove him out of town.
Everywhere he preached,
The people listened to him at first.
They listened and they listened,
Until their bladders almost burst.
The Church finally blamed Americans,
For not appreciating the Word.
Father Long Words escaped to Ecuador,
Where they knew he would be heard.
Down in Quito, Father Long Words
Entered the famous Guinness book.
He preached two hundred thirty-seven minutes,
Because that’s just how long it took.
The week after the World’s Record,
The Pope flew in from Rome.
The Church was overflowing.
No parishioners dared stay home.
Father Long Words preached two hours.
He paused for breath, and started further.
That’s when the Pope jumped up and shot him.
The police have called it a Mass murder.
(Bless me, Father, for I have sinned with this poem.)