Father Long Words

When I was back in college,
I took six long hours of Speech.
One of my classmates loved it,
It was preparing him to preach.

He joined the Seminary.
They gave him room and board.
He learned the secret handshake.
He was consecrated to the Lord.

He loved preaching his homilies.
He never noticed the time go by.
His parishioners would take notice.
His sermons made them cry.

It’s not that they weren’t moving,
Or his chosen words weren’t very strong.
It wasn’t even his repeated subjects.
It’s just that they were bloody long.

They called him “Father Long Words”,
But only behind his back.
They were plotting how to sneak out,
To try and find a snack.

Finally, someone called the Bishop.
They said, “He speaks too long.”
The Bishop said, “The Spirit is within him.”
The Bishop said, “Just play along.”

It took months of complaining.
But the Bishop finally heard.
He came to the Church one Sunday.
Then he said, “That is absurd.”

The Bishop heard Father Long Words,
He dozed off about half-way through.
So, he answered the cries of his people,
After snoring loudly from his pew.

The Bishop had him transferred.
Father Long Words moved around.
He would preach in a different parish,
Until that flock drove him out of town.

Everywhere he preached,
The people listened to him at first.
They listened and they listened,
Until their bladders almost burst.

The Church finally blamed Americans,
For not appreciating the Word.
Father Long Words escaped to Ecuador,
Where they knew he would be heard.

Down in Quito, Father Long Words
Entered the famous Guinness book.
He preached two hundred thirty-seven minutes,
Because that’s just how long it took.

The week after the World’s Record,
The Pope flew in from Rome.
The Church was overflowing.
No parishioners dared stay home.

Father Long Words preached two hours.
He paused for breath, and started further.
That’s when the Pope jumped up and shot him.
The police have called it a Mass murder.

(Bless me, Father, for I have sinned with this poem.)

Religion Blues

Jesus is my Savior,
Since no-one else applied.
Nuns taught me how He lived,
Priests told me how He died.

I used to read the Bible,
The Good Book, so they say.
I found it on a CD,
So, in my car, I’d pray.

I wonder if He watches me,
How I daily live my life.
I hope I make Him happy,
I don’t want to cause Him strife.

Someday, I will meet Him.
Maybe even meet his Dad.
I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
I’d better not be bad.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday.
A holy day for many,
A holiday for even more.

A day of fasting and abstinence,
Which I remember after I order
My cheeseburger for lunch.

Reflect on gifts from the Lord.
Give praise as you see fit.
Then, you should ask yourself –
Is there such a thing as a Bad Friday?

Religion & Politics

Religion and Politics don’t mix.
The latest proof was in North Miami.
Someone said Jesus endorsed her for Mayor.
She finished last.
Dead last.

She got fifty-six votes.
Twelve votes would have been symbolic.
Fifty-six is just sad.

She finished seventh.
There must be six other Messiahs
That are more involved in local politics.

Football players always thank God
After they win a difficult game.
I think the “after” part is key.

Perhaps if you depend on God for wins,
You should wait until you achieve victory.
Just in case.

Otherwise, you make Him look uninterested.
And you make yourself look a bit crazy.


I’m a Reverend, but this is as close to a sermon as I’ll  get.
In fact, it’s the first one I ever wrote.
I did a wedding once, but I didn’t have to say anything original.
It’s probably why they’re still married.

I do lead the invocations at KNON board meetings,
But that’s because I’m leading the meetings.
If the real Reverend is there, he gets to do it.
He’s better at it than I am.

Bow your heads and pray for the weekend.

I’m Christian by birth, so this is about the Rules I learned.
Buddha has some cool suggestions for living, too.
There are other sets of Rules available.
Ask your local preacher.

It’s interesting to consider that
Old Testament God had Ten Rules
(some about Him, some about people),
and New Testament God had Two
(both about love.)

New Testament God was a good editor, I suppose.
Maybe Old Testament God was being paid by the word.

Mel Brooks said Old Testament God had Fifteen Rules,
But that was to set up a sight gag.
It was pretty funny, actually.
I don’t think Mel Brooks is a theologian.

So, you either have two rules or ten that sum up
Everything you need to know about how to behave.
Assuming you’re Christian, were raised Christian,
Or you borrowed a Bible from a friend.

Yet, nobody told the Governments we elected.
They have thousands of rules.
They make more of them all the time.
None of them ever seem to go away.

Many of the rules are pretty silly, actually.
(There are websites dedicated to silly laws. Google it.)

Maybe we should try just following the Ten,
Instead of inventing even more that people won’t follow.
Even if you don’t believe in Old Testament God.
(Even if you don’t believe in any God. )
They’re pretty easy to remember.

Try to remember the Ten now.
I’ll wait.
This isn’t a quiz, so don’t worry if you don’t get them all.

Amazingly, none of the Ten are about
health care insurance,
smoking pot or
gay marriage.

You would think with all the press they get,
Those topics would have their own section.
Maybe our priorities are screwed up.

(I think gay pot-smokers should be able to marry and pool their insurance.)

If you can’t remember the Ten, just try to remember the Two.
Remember, New Testament God was a good editor.
He was only on Earth thirty-three years, so He had to get to the point.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”
“This is the first and greatest commandment. “
“And the second is like it:  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

I guess if you’re an atheist, you can just skip the first rule.
The second one will still work nicely while you’re alive.
Before you go wherever atheists go when they die.
(I hope it’s not Heaven, because that would annoy them.)

It’s interesting quoting the Bible when I may go to Hell.
Even if I am a Reverend.
It’s almost like Linus reciting verses to Charlie Brown in a TV show.
Maybe not.

Still, perhaps we should all just be civil to each other.
Love one another.
That’s something new to try.
Shall we?