I’m almost out of time.
I have no assistance.
I have four other projects due.
I have heartburn.
I have a bad attitude.
So, I declare victory.
This project is done!
It may not be complete.
It may not be coherent.
However, it is done.
I have spoken.
Monday.
It is a curse.
Yet, today, just Monday wasn’t good enough.
Rain.
It is a blessing.
Unless it’s in the city, during rush hour.
Traffic.
It is beyond a curse.
Especially in the rain, in a construction zone.
So, I started the week late.
And cranky.
(Some would say “cranky” was a given.)
Can’t we get Monday outlawed?
Or moved to the weekend?
I’m all alone again,
Just me against the crowd.
I may be standing by myself,
But at least I’m standing proud.
I wanted your approval.
I wanted your support.
I tried to add some value,
Even when you sold me short.
I misread your desires for me,
I could never get your rules.
We’d seem to end up fighting,
And we both would look like fools.
It’s not that I don’t love you,
It’s not that I don’t care.
It’s just really hard to miss someone,
When you were never really there.
It seems so noisy,
In a lot of online arguments.
This is interesting,
Since so many are a “mute point.”
If you can’t speak, you’re mute.
In that case, the other speaker would win.
If only one person speaks, he wins.
Subject doesn’t matter.
It’s a moot point.
See what I did there?
Remember this story:
Jack and Jill were on their third date.
Jill had managed to be a “good girl” so far.
But tonight, there was chocolate.
And roses.
And tequila.
Jack asked Jill if they could be alone.
He drove his car up to Moot Point.
Close-outs are really just sales.
I know this from looking at the items.
Some are successes, most are fails.
Close-out really means “selling off stock”.
As in, we won’t make any more of these.
They’re on the chopping block
Sometimes, however, these items
Have your name imprinted.
They’re called personalized items.
This seems just a bit far-fetched.
There is a plant somewhere in China,
Making items with “Kevin Gilhooly” etched.
“Maybe it’s today he’ll finally call”,
All the Chinese workers silently pray,
“He’ll go online or visit at the mall.”
I hope they’re not making pencils just for me,
Hundreds of them inscribed with my name,
In a huge factory across the sea.
That’s what a close-out would be,
“We’re not printing “Kevin Gilhooly” any more,
All the pencils we have is all we foresee“.
I hope that someone shares my name,
There was one in Houston years ago,
So maybe there’s another Kevin once again.
Then, the pencils are his problem.
I did not get fired this week.
Neither did most of my friends.
Some of my friends were told
They should find new jobs.
Immediately.
One was told she had four weeks
To find a job outside the company.
Excuse me, if you’re terminated,
Don’t you have the rest of your life?
I suppose this is a kinder, gentler firing.
At least for the managers.
If it’s a resource action,
You don’t have to fire anyone.
Some resources just got moved.
Away.
I hate MBA-speak.
You fired the poor bastards.
They are not resources.
They are people.
Grow a pair.
Also, I know the jobs are different,
But it’s still a bit uncool
To be hiring outsiders
During a resource action.
Just sayin’.
We are completely wired these days.
You can’t escape the office, no matter where you go.
In fact, you have multiple pathways to the office.
This is a blessing and a curse.
I can answer my emails, Chat online with co-workers,
Watch baseball games (I could, I never would!),
Update Facebook (social networking)
And be on a conference call.
All at the same time.
It’s called multitasking.
Multitasking is great,
Since you get more done.
At least, it can seem that way.
This means, of course,
Not everything gets 100% attention.
So, sometimes, you can get confused.
Here’s some good tips to help you –
Re-read all your emails before you press “Send”.
This prevents typos.
Typos could be just misspellings,
Or could be sending “Love you, too, Magic Ass!”
To your customer instead of your wife.
If you answer a question late on a call,
Since you were writing email and chatting,
Always preface with “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
If you weren’t listening, use the same excuse.
For some reason, if you can’t talk on the phone,
People assume you can’t hear, either.
If you can’t talk or hear, why are you on the phone?
That said –
When you’re on a conference call, go on mute.
This avoids having your dogs heard on the call.
It also avoids yelling “AirHogs WIN!”
When discussing next month’s financials.
Actually, you will still yell it,
If you were watching a game, which I am not,
But at least nobody would hear it.
AirHogs WIN!
After you do your victory dance,
Pick the phone back up, and
If you hear an awkward silence,
Say “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
I am a team lead.
It should be “leader”,
But it’s not.
I lead a crack team of experts.
However, my team is now just me.
How is this possible?
It’s called a re-org.
A re-org is when people are shuffled.
Like cards in a deck,
We are mixed up into a new order.
Why?
That is a question for leaders above me.
Team leads don’t shuffle the deck.
They play the hand they’re dealt.
So, I have a team of one.
Me.
This sounds like an adventure movie.
However, it’s set in an office,
And I’m not Bruce Willis,
So there’s not a lot of adventure.
If this re-org doesn’t work,
I will have a team back.
It may be the same or
It may be different.
I just play the hand that’s dealt me.
The attic was a magical place,
Where all of your past was stored.
If you didn’t want to toss it,
Up to the attic it went.
Of course, in some regions,
It was down to the basement, instead.
It depends on where you live.
Then again, if you’re scared to go in the attic,
Or you don’t have a basement,
You might use the garage.
I fear I’m getting off track.
Now, everything is going digital.
So, photos and albums aren’t in the attic.
They’re on your hard drive.
Hopefully.
If you don’t have a good filing system,
And I certainly don’t,
Then, your hard drive is a magical place.
You never know what you might find.
As long as you don’t find love letters
From someone who’s not in your house,
There is no telling what you share.
I found our late budgie’s first record.
Well, it’s not really a record,
It’s just a bunch of MP3s.
Still, it’s more than I ever recorded.
So, look around your hard drive.
You never know what you may find.
I hope it’s magical.
—————————-
Here’s Basil’s first record, for your listening pleasure. He didn’t write particularly long songs, but then again, he was a budgie.
[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/playlists/6582852″ params=”” width=” 100%” height=”450″ iframe=”true” /]
An hour is always sixty minutes,
But the minutes seem to be different lengths.
I’m sure there’s a logical explanation,
But if there is physics involved, I’m lost.
Consider these scenarios:
There’s an hour before you leave for work.
Whoosh! Where did that hour go?
There’s an hour before you leave for home.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Freakin’ Tick. Tick. Tick.
So, this is probably a relativity issue,
But as I said, physics is not my forte.
I know e = mc^2 but that’s energy and mass.
Why didn’t Einstein work on something critical?
So, I would say pm = am * pa^2, as in
Your perceived minutes are
Actual minutes times potential annoyance, squared.
As potential annoyance approaches infinity,
Your time will stand still.
This has been tested in various meetings at work,
And by listening to people talk about their vacations.
I didn’t test by having someone talk about religion,
Because I didn’t have the time.