Author: John Ellsworth

Turquoise 

~ John Ellsworth ~ Leave a comment

Seventeen years, and we’ve learned a lot.
Mostly, I’ve learned a lot,
And most of that was about pets.
So it goes.

I’ve learned that big families are not strange.
(Though some of the members may be.)
I’ve learned that garlic goes in everything.
But I still won’t put it in my tea.

If you want to sleep until 11am,
Just put the dogs to bed at three.
(This requires being awake at three.)
When you walk around barefoot,
You will always find the pee.

A dog is your companion,
A dog will win your hearts.
However, most critically,
A dog takes blame for your farts.

Speaking of emissions,
If you ever gently break wind,
And your dogs all flee the room,
Just realize you have sinned.

Your dog will always be close to you.
Nobody is as faithful as Rover.
He gravitates to anything with your scent.
Always turn your pillow over.

You will notice that eventually,
Everyone in your family gets the same diseases.
So, take good notes the first time around,
And always avoid the one that sneezes.

Fifty-Four

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Happy Birthday to you!
Another trip around the sun.
Some trips are annoying,
Some trips are fun.

That’s where they rhyming part ends.
My head hurts and I can’t find
My rhyming dictionary.
So, another crappy birthday poem follows.

My apologies in advance.
I hope it’s not a bore.
I should just say Rocky wrote it,
So people would cry for more.

Sigh. I’m not bitter about that.

Here’s an interesting fact.
If you had walked a mile each day,
Since the day you were born,
That would be 19,710 miles!

Your Fitbit would be very happy.
Also, you would have been walking at birth,
A very impressive feat! (feet?)
So, this is probably hypothetical.

Your Mom probably would have stopped you,
Since you shouldn’t be walking that young.
On the other hand, I’ve met your siblings,
So maybe she would have said, “Bon Voyage!”

Back to the hypothetical walking,
Today, you would be almost 80% of the way
Around the earth (give or take).
Holding your breath across the ocean-y bits.

However, you keep insisting on taking cruise ships.
So, walking around the world is probably out.
Also, you would have ended up back in New York.
Since the world is round-ish.

So, you’re in Dallas, not New York.
You’re a year older, but at least you’re not 55.
It could be worse, because it could always be worse.
Did I mention Rocky wrote this?

Happy Birthday.

Journeys 

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I’ve crossed the final ocean.
I’ve reached the distant shore.
My body isn’t broken,
I feel the pain no more.

I don’t want to hear you grieving,
My dear friends I left behind.
I will always be there with you,
If you keep me in your mind.

My time on Earth is finished,
Life’s journey reached its end.
But the end brings new beginnings,
And the journey starts again.

Eulogy to a Squirrel

~ John Ellsworth ~ Leave a comment

By Katie, the PBGV Hunter

I found a squirrel,
His name was Fred.
l chewed him
On his little head.

“Drop that squirrel!”,
My Mommy cried.
It’s Squirrel Tartare.
I prefer them fried.

Mom grabbed Fred.
She threw him far.
I heard him hit
My Daddy’s car.

Oops.

I will miss Fred.
He took a lickin’.
Now I know
Squirrels taste like chicken.

Corporate Avenue

~ John Ellsworth ~ Leave a comment

Start at the corner of Hope and Innocence,
Follow Hope South until it becomes Despair.
Your career progresses as you go,
Nothing vodka or Prozac won’t repair.

Keeping going down Despair,
You’ll know when you are through.
It dead ends at Retirement.
Alongside Corporate Avenue.

Corporate Avenue is a long, hard road.
There are twists and turns and merges,
You have to find a decent driver,
Then hope he survives the purges.

I’ve been driven off a cliff.
I’ve been driven into walls.

I remember drivers drinking,
While they suffered through the drive.

I remember changing drivers,
While we were doing sixty-five.

The only thing that bothers me,
It often shakes me to my core.
Is how many times along the way,
I know I’ve seen that house before.

Ellie’s Blues

~ John Ellsworth ~ Leave a comment

Editor’s Note: Sometimes, even a bluesman visits his family. The joys of grandchildren climbing all over you is generally followed by a rare, short-term but hellish disease.

Ellie’s cold is killing me.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Snot as far as I can see.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose),
Gonna run all day.
I need some antihistamines.
I need to get away.

The kids’ house is a haz-mat site.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Boogers running day and night.
All the doo-dah day.

Gonna run all night (my nose)
Gonna run all day.
I’m back home in Dallas now.
With a blocked airway.

Technology

~ John Ellsworth ~ Leave a comment

 

I’m getting the feeling that
We have a generation that can’t read.
You have to show them graphics – not text,
And it’s really best to have a movie.

I love technology,
But not for it’s own sake.
Let’s not use it just because
The CEO overpaid for it.

If you have something to say,
Just email or call me.
I’ll respond if required.
Don’t send a link to your blog.

If you have an announcement,
Just make it.
Don’t make me watch a video
A week from Tuesday.

Worst of all now days,
Is the video blog,
Where some minor exec
Reads you his email.

The issue with video blogs,
At least for me,
Is that you see how poorly
Some of these people present.

Please send your foils out first.
(I’m old. They’re not slides. They’re foils.)
I will happily read your foils.
Then, I will think to myself,
“How can this take an hour to present?”

When I read someone’s foils,
My usual thought is,
“Wow. That’s an hour I would have wasted.”
Then, I hang up and go back to work.

Here’s the thing people miss these days.
Work is not an action movie.
There is little action at all sometimes.
So why pretend it’s exciting?

If you’re going to pretend it’s exciting,
Let’s have a video game presentation.
Everyone could watch from home,
And interact with the presenter.

Hit the CEO in the nose,
She has to go on to the next slide.
Blow the CEO up,
That’s lunch, everybody!

That could actually be fun.
She couldn’t just stand and read.
Just send me the foils first,
So I know what was supposed to be said.