Katie
You have a big ol’ belly,
And you’re kinda smelly.
You remind me of Mom.
Murphy
You seem kinda bitchy,
And you’re always itchy.
You remind me of Mom.
Rocky
You’re a wee bit lazy,
And you’re kinda crazy.
You remind me of Mom.
Ripley
You’re always nappin’,
And your gums are flappin’.
You remind me of Mom.
You know where this is leading,
I’m lying here bleeding.
Just for singing this song.
(Don’t ever sing silly songs to your dogs. It can get you killed. Apparently.)
Mom hates my barking,
Even when morning is here.
So, I guess I’ll wake up Daddy,
Just put my tongue inside his ear.
Watching all my brothers
On an early morning stroll.
Hit them just bellow the ribcage,
And you can watch them roll.
Mom and Dad are out,
I’m now the Patrol Guy.
Nothing looks suspicious,
But these Kleenex have to die.
Daddy’s on a conference call,
Mommy reading her iPad.
I really need to visit the yard,
So I guess I’ll go get Dad.
Daddy rubbed my belly,
Mommy scratched my head.
The lights are turning out.
It’s time to go to bed.
Editor’s Note: This was written during a series of puppy health crises in April, earlier this year. I almost deleted it when Flower rallied at that point, but sadly, I knew someday, I would need it. She crossed the bridge on August 13, 2014.
A Rose had many children.
Four girls and a boy.
But she only had one Flower,
Who was her pride and joy.
Fifteen years later,
Her Flower is feeling old.
It’s finally changing from Winter,
But it’s still a little cold.
The air is filled with pollen,
All the birds begin to sing.
A sad thing to discover,
Sometimes Flowers die in Spring.
It’s summer in Dallas,
I’m melting inside.
It’s over 100,
There’s no place to hide.
It’s summer in Dallas,
Ice cream man with a scoop.
By the time you start eating,
It’s chocolate mint soup.
It’s summer in Dallas,
It’s too hot for clothes.
Either draw all the shutters,
Or give the neighbors a pose.
It’s summer in Dallas,
Stay off of the street.
We’ll head north to Plano,
To get out of the heat.
It’s summer in Dallas,
Sun’s burning my head.
It’s too hot for coffee,
So I’m staying in bed.
Guest post from @PsychoPupRocky
Racing around on Mom’s new floors.
It’s faster since there are no doors.
The dining room was out of bounds,
But now it’s part of our rounds.
I’m trying to hit a new max speed,
Since Katie’s always in the lead.
After days just sitting in my crate,
Freedom really does feel great.
Katie chasing Murphy and me,
Just be careful not to step in pee.
I wonder what I had to say.
A clever thought, the other day.
I know it even had a rhyme.
I wonder what it was that time?
I should’ve made a note or two.
Since now I haven’t got a clue.
It is my one lost masterpiece.
It may have been on dogs or geese.
Geese?
It rhymed.
I feel my eyes closing,
Dim goes the light.
It’s time to just fade
Quietly into the night.
The is the final step.
I will enter the Void.
My life is completed.
I’m slightly annoyed.
Inner peace and silence
Are all that I can sense.
Around me, nothingness,
Except a rather large fence.
It’s not really a fence,
It’s more like a big gate.
It’s painted pearly white.
So I’ll take the bait.
A robed guy is standing
With a halo and iPad.
He’s checking off names.
Each has a box: Good or Bad.
I’m not liking the looks of this.
My name was marked Good.
How in God’s name did that happen?
What happened to the Void?
In God’s name. Oops.
I was handed a white robe,
I’m heading off into the light.
I’m not annoyed that I was wrong,
But that my wife may have been right.
I’m not playing a damn harp.
Thank you for calling AT&T,
Your system’s going up and down I see.
The trouble may be on your end,
Please reboot and try again.
Rebooting didn’t fix the pain?
Perhaps you should reboot again.
We could try to send someone to you
It’s Monday now, would Thursday do?
We replaced the modem you have inside,
So the problem must have moved outside.
We could try to send an outside guy,
How about Sunday – time does fly.
I tried to call to check the line.
It’s down, so you didn’t answer in time.
You’ve moved to the end of the queue.
Eventually, we’ll get to you.
Your phone calls have all begun to fail,
Your Internet is slower than the US mail,
We’re sure you’ll survive without TV,
And thanks for calling AT&T.
Editor’s Note: I’m going to start republishing some (very) old works by BJE, as I find them – just so they’re all collected in one place. This is from 1997, so that’s pretty old. Seriously, who remembers Palm Pilots?
Southbound from Chicago
With my baby by my side
She don’t know that she’s my baby
I should tell her – haven’t tried
Flying First while wrapped in love
Is a magical place to be
Free drinks, cashews and pretzels
Yet she still won’t notice me.
We haven’t really spoken
Since the preboard at O’Hare
She’s just sittin’ reading magazines
While pretending not to care.
At last my angel turns to speak
In her heavenly tone of voice…
She asked ‘Is that a Pilot?’
I stammered, ‘But, of course.’
Being a geek finally worked!
Since she has one too, it seems.
Alas, the moment’s already passed
And she’s back to magazines.
Gently touching down in Dallas
will finally end our lover’s game.
Should have nicked her boarding pass
So at least I’d know her name.
Another broken-hearted Friday night
Hailing airport taxis in the rain.
I’ve lost my faith in AAdvantage Gold
Next time, I’ll take the train!
ORD-DFW 16 May 1997 AA 2359 – What was her name, anyway?
I am trying to understand weather forecasts.
It is difficult, because there are many sources.
Each of them has a slightly different opinion.
Forecasts are really just opinions.
Also, TV weather is different from others.
TV weather is based on viewing area.
TV signals go a lot farther than ZIP codes,
Or even county lines.
So, when the TV weather guy breaks in,
Just as the killer will be unmasked,
Or the million dollar winner is revealed,
Just as the season is building to a climax…
It may be because you are under immediate threat.
It may also be that three farmers and some goats
Are about to get wet in Southern Oklahoma.
Always check the maps,
I suppose,
Is the lesson here.
Douglas Adams once wrote “Don’t Panic.”
I’m pretty sure he was watching TV at the time.
He was probably in London,
And it was storming in Southampton.
It’s 80 miles from London to Southampton,
Which is 128 kilometers in metric.
This would have been much funnier
If it had been 42 in either.
So it goes.
Here is the easy way to check the weather,
Send the dogs out in the yard.
If they come in wet,
(or don’t go out at all)
It’s raining.
If they come in cold and white,
It’s snowing.
If they go out the back,
And come in through the front door,
(Or get stuck on the roof somehow)
You may have a slight tornado.
Now back to our regular programming,
Already in progress.