I was passed over for Pope.
I suppose I wasn’t surprised.
I won’t be on Late Night.
So, it’s back on the chain gang.
Someday, the perfect job will appear.
It won’t be anytime soon, I guess.
I hope it’s before I retire.
Otherwise, I may not get there.
If you remove the fluff,
Like “We’ll start in a minute”,
And “Who just joined?”
If you skip the endless replies
About not hearing the question,
Or “Sorry. I was on mute”.
If you forget the happy puppies,
Ignore the background spouses.
And just focus on the subject.
You may get ten minutes of value
For an hour-long call.
Why do we do this?
Damn.
Ugh.
Ah-choo!
Is it really already morning?
How much longer can I just snooze?
How bad could traffic be today?
What more do I have to lose?
I hate Mondays.
I’m always in some pain.
I wish I had another shirt.
Will someone see this stain?
Wow. Traffic. Lovely.
Looks like all the roads are blocked.
I should’ve worked at home today.
I should just go get crocked.
Only twenty minutes late.
That shouldn’t damage my career.
Especially after I walk the halls,
And see nobody else is here.
I need a quart of coffee.
Just stick it in a vein.
I need to keep it coming.
It helps to ease the pain.
Mornings are a torture.
Monday morning doubly so.
Let’s go and have a meeting.
It’s the only way to go.
Is it time to go home yet?
Today, I work with computers,
I’m in a tiny cubicle every day.
We have lots of useless meetings,
And there’s never time to play.
I’d much rather be a pirate,
Who would sail the Seven Seas.
My crew would conquer ocean liners,
and bring them to their knees.
I’ll climb aboard the captured ship,
And slowly draw my pirate sword.
The fearful Captain would surrender,
And my crew would come aboard.
I’ll yell, “Give me your booty!”
The passengers would go nuts.
Rich women threw their jewelry,
Ghetto women showed their butts.
We’d sail away with riches.
I’ll have millions stashed away.
Yet, I’ll be a corporate pirate,
With team meetings on Monday.
Woke up my laptop this morning,
Immediate Blue Screen of Death.
Time to go make coffee,
Then stop and catch my breath.
A cold and dead laptop.
This is not how to start a day.
Of course, it means a half-hour
To restart and pray.
I really hate Windows.
Every version seems slower.
My expectations were low,
But they’re falling still lower.
My company wants me to upgrade.
“Go to Linux”, they said.
But their products are on Windows.
It’s really hurting my head.
The coffee is ready,
My laptop is restarted.
It’s time for the morning,
Not for the faint-hearted.
Tomorrow is “Take Your Dog to Work Day’.
I worked at home today,
So my dogs were already here.
They could come visit me.
Over and over again.
I had multiple breeds snoring all day.
I still managed to get some work done.
Mainly, because they sleep so much.
(They would love conference calls.)
However, I had an interesting thought.
Dogs in an office could cause strange utterances.
Some of these would be actionable, if aimed at people, not dogs.
What if you were writing a report and heard:
“Stop scratching me!”
“Get down!”
“Get off of me!”
and, of course, the big one:
“Rocky! Stop humping her!”
HR would not be amused.
So, before you take your dogs to work,
Discuss it with your co-workers.
Make sure humping will be OK for one day.
Maybe it’s best to just work at home.
I’m almost out of time.
I have no assistance.
I have four other projects due.
I have heartburn.
I have a bad attitude.
So, I declare victory.
This project is done!
It may not be complete.
It may not be coherent.
However, it is done.
I have spoken.
We are completely wired these days.
You can’t escape the office, no matter where you go.
In fact, you have multiple pathways to the office.
This is a blessing and a curse.
I can answer my emails, Chat online with co-workers,
Watch baseball games (I could, I never would!),
Update Facebook (social networking)
And be on a conference call.
All at the same time.
It’s called multitasking.
Multitasking is great,
Since you get more done.
At least, it can seem that way.
This means, of course,
Not everything gets 100% attention.
So, sometimes, you can get confused.
Here’s some good tips to help you –
Re-read all your emails before you press “Send”.
This prevents typos.
Typos could be just misspellings,
Or could be sending “Love you, too, Magic Ass!”
To your customer instead of your wife.
If you answer a question late on a call,
Since you were writing email and chatting,
Always preface with “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
If you weren’t listening, use the same excuse.
For some reason, if you can’t talk on the phone,
People assume you can’t hear, either.
If you can’t talk or hear, why are you on the phone?
That said –
When you’re on a conference call, go on mute.
This avoids having your dogs heard on the call.
It also avoids yelling “AirHogs WIN!”
When discussing next month’s financials.
Actually, you will still yell it,
If you were watching a game, which I am not,
But at least nobody would hear it.
AirHogs WIN!
After you do your victory dance,
Pick the phone back up, and
If you hear an awkward silence,
Say “I’m sorry, I was on mute.”
I am a team lead.
It should be “leader”,
But it’s not.
I lead a crack team of experts.
However, my team is now just me.
How is this possible?
It’s called a re-org.
A re-org is when people are shuffled.
Like cards in a deck,
We are mixed up into a new order.
Why?
That is a question for leaders above me.
Team leads don’t shuffle the deck.
They play the hand they’re dealt.
So, I have a team of one.
Me.
This sounds like an adventure movie.
However, it’s set in an office,
And I’m not Bruce Willis,
So there’s not a lot of adventure.
If this re-org doesn’t work,
I will have a team back.
It may be the same or
It may be different.
I just play the hand that’s dealt me.
This sounds like a wonderful project!
I’m sure that it will work out splendidly.
In fact, I know just the person to help you with it.
He’s not available at the moment,
But I know he will be happy to jump on it.
I will send you his email with an intro,
So you should feel free to call him anytime.
I will just get out of the way now,
Since I don’t want to impede your progress.
This sounds like a critical project,
So I want the right people on it.
I’m glad I could help!