If you ask for my opinion,
I will share it. Freely.
It will not be what I think you want to hear.
If you ask for my opinion,
You will get what I think.
This is probably not what you are thinking.
If you ask for my opinion,
I will tell you why you are wrong.
It’s free. No extra charge.
If you ask for my opinion,
Don’t.
Editor’s Note: Transcribed from the oral traditions of Cistercian Preparatory School. For the class of ’78.
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, lived a beautiful Princess, and her grumpy father, the King.
The Princess longed to be married, but no suitor was ever good enough for her grumpy father. Every few weeks, a Prince would approach the castle to call on her, but as he got closer, the King would send the Royal Guardsmen, and they would chase the Prince away.
The Guardsmen would then collect the flowers and candy, and bring them to the King, who particularly liked the nougat-filled candies.
The Princess was lonely.
Finally, as she heard the Guardsmen preparing to chase another Prince away from the castle, the Princess went to the Royal Court to confront her father. She approached the throne and stamped her foot. “Daddy! How am I ever going to marry if your stupid Royal Guardsmen keep chasing all he Princes away?”
The King didn’t like having feet stomped at him, so he said, “Fine. This Prince may enter the castle. However, he must perform a task before he is allowed to meet you. Go to your room.”
The Prince, whose name was Julius, approached the throne, and bowed before the King, who said, “I understand you would like to meet my daughter.” Prince Julius said, “Yes, Your Majesty, I would like to do so very much.”
The King frowned and said, “To prove you are sincere, you must climb to the highest point in the castle, and jump into the moat. If you survive, you are worthy to meet my daughter.”
So, the next morning, with trumpets blaring and most of the village watching, Prince Julius climbed to the highest parapet, bowed to the King, and plunged to his death.
“Daddy!”
The King said, “He was not worthy. Also, he probably shouldn’t have worn his chain mail.”
Word spread that there was now a chance you could meet the Princess, so other Princes came to the castle, and even without chain mail, did not survive the plunge. After a few weeks, the line started slowing considerably.
“Daddy!”
So, the King changed the test. Word spread you didn’t have to plunge to your death, and two days later, Prince Melchior approached the castle. He bowed to the King, who said, “You must go into the forest behind the castle, and slay the fearsome dragon. To prove the dragon is truly slain, you must bring me his ears.”
Prince Melchior said, “As you wish”, gathered his weapons, and headed into the forest.
He was gone for weeks. He was gone so long, other Princes were trying to decide if it was improper to visit the castle while he was still missing, and presumably working on the task.
He was gone so long, the Princess began to think he had abandoned her.
Finally, after almost six weeks, one morning, the guard at the main gate noticed a small box in the middle of the road. When he opened it, it contained two ears. However, they were not dragon ears.
Everyone missed Prince Melchior.
After that, no suitors approached the castle for a very long time. The Princess became convinced she would die an Old Maid, and was very sad, indeed.
Then, one morning, Prince Denis approached the castle. He was a bit scruffier than most Princes, he was the first Prince anyone remembered who wore a leather jacket, and he had a toothpick hanging out of the side of his mouth, but at this point, the Princess was willing to settle. A Prince was a Prince, and he could always fix him after they were married.
Prince Denis approached the throne, nodded at the King, and said, “Where’s this Princess that people are dying to meet?”
The King was annoyed, but stayed calm. “In order to met my daughter, you must complete a task. I command you to go into the forest, and …” “DADDY!”
The King cleared his throat and said, “I command you to climb to the highest parapet …” “DADDY!!!”
The King looked very annoyed, indeed, and said, “I command you to go into the village and buy me a pack of cigarettes.”
The Royal Court gasped.
Prince Denis looked astounded. “What? With my own money?”
The King looked extremely annoyed, and said, “Get some petty cash from the Royal Treasurer.”
And so, at midday the next day, since Prince Denis was not a morning person, with trumpets blaring (which did not help his hang-over), he made his way to the village. As crowds cheered, he walked into the tobacconist, and said, “Pack of Marlboro 100s, please.”
He collected the cigarettes, pocketed the change, and headed back to the castle.
Sadly, as he approached the castle gates, he was struck and killed by a big, green Cistercian bus, on its way to a soccer game.
And the moral of the story is, “Smoking is hazardous to your health.” (The bonus moral is, “Look both ways before you cross the street.”)
The End
Monday.
It is a curse.
Yet, today, just Monday wasn’t good enough.
Rain.
It is a blessing.
Unless it’s in the city, during rush hour.
Traffic.
It is beyond a curse.
Especially in the rain, in a construction zone.
So, I started the week late.
And cranky.
(Some would say “cranky” was a given.)
Can’t we get Monday outlawed?
Or moved to the weekend?
It seems so noisy,
In a lot of online arguments.
This is interesting,
Since so many are a “mute point.”
If you can’t speak, you’re mute.
In that case, the other speaker would win.
If only one person speaks, he wins.
Subject doesn’t matter.
It’s a moot point.
See what I did there?
Remember this story:
Jack and Jill were on their third date.
Jill had managed to be a “good girl” so far.
But tonight, there was chocolate.
And roses.
And tequila.
Jack asked Jill if they could be alone.
He drove his car up to Moot Point.
Close-outs are really just sales.
I know this from looking at the items.
Some are successes, most are fails.
Close-out really means “selling off stock”.
As in, we won’t make any more of these.
They’re on the chopping block
Sometimes, however, these items
Have your name imprinted.
They’re called personalized items.
This seems just a bit far-fetched.
There is a plant somewhere in China,
Making items with “Kevin Gilhooly” etched.
“Maybe it’s today he’ll finally call”,
All the Chinese workers silently pray,
“He’ll go online or visit at the mall.”
I hope they’re not making pencils just for me,
Hundreds of them inscribed with my name,
In a huge factory across the sea.
That’s what a close-out would be,
“We’re not printing “Kevin Gilhooly” any more,
All the pencils we have is all we foresee“.
I hope that someone shares my name,
There was one in Houston years ago,
So maybe there’s another Kevin once again.
Then, the pencils are his problem.
The attic was a magical place,
Where all of your past was stored.
If you didn’t want to toss it,
Up to the attic it went.
Of course, in some regions,
It was down to the basement, instead.
It depends on where you live.
Then again, if you’re scared to go in the attic,
Or you don’t have a basement,
You might use the garage.
I fear I’m getting off track.
Now, everything is going digital.
So, photos and albums aren’t in the attic.
They’re on your hard drive.
Hopefully.
If you don’t have a good filing system,
And I certainly don’t,
Then, your hard drive is a magical place.
You never know what you might find.
As long as you don’t find love letters
From someone who’s not in your house,
There is no telling what you share.
I found our late budgie’s first record.
Well, it’s not really a record,
It’s just a bunch of MP3s.
Still, it’s more than I ever recorded.
So, look around your hard drive.
You never know what you may find.
I hope it’s magical.
—————————-
Here’s Basil’s first record, for your listening pleasure. He didn’t write particularly long songs, but then again, he was a budgie.
[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/playlists/6582852″ params=”” width=” 100%” height=”450″ iframe=”true” /]
An hour is always sixty minutes,
But the minutes seem to be different lengths.
I’m sure there’s a logical explanation,
But if there is physics involved, I’m lost.
Consider these scenarios:
There’s an hour before you leave for work.
Whoosh! Where did that hour go?
There’s an hour before you leave for home.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Freakin’ Tick. Tick. Tick.
So, this is probably a relativity issue,
But as I said, physics is not my forte.
I know e = mc^2 but that’s energy and mass.
Why didn’t Einstein work on something critical?
So, I would say pm = am * pa^2, as in
Your perceived minutes are
Actual minutes times potential annoyance, squared.
As potential annoyance approaches infinity,
Your time will stand still.
This has been tested in various meetings at work,
And by listening to people talk about their vacations.
I didn’t test by having someone talk about religion,
Because I didn’t have the time.
We spend a lot of time
Dwelling on the offense.
Who’s close to a thousand yards?
Who’s got the highest slugging average?
Offense scores points, and points win games.
So, naturally, we get obsessed.
This is wrong.
Sometimes, we should look at the other side.
Defense may seem boring at first.
All it does is prevent points.
However, preventing points helps win, too.
Just ask companies that cut costs
Instead of raising sales.
Some defense can win games.
Say, a double play in the ninth.
You’re out! You’re out, too!
It’s even more beautiful than a home run.
Maybe because there are more people involved.
A home run slugger stands alone.
A double play requires teamwork.
This sounds like a wonderful project!
I’m sure that it will work out splendidly.
In fact, I know just the person to help you with it.
He’s not available at the moment,
But I know he will be happy to jump on it.
I will send you his email with an intro,
So you should feel free to call him anytime.
I will just get out of the way now,
Since I don’t want to impede your progress.
This sounds like a critical project,
So I want the right people on it.
I’m glad I could help!
A conference call is a lonely place.
Since it’s all on the phone,
Not face to face.
At least you can do other crap.
While this may sound rude,
It’s more useful than a nap.
You can’t just drop the line,
Since there will be a beep,
And that’s an obvious sign.
You should put your phone on mute.
In case you loudly snore,
Or play the flute.
Just listen for your name,
Always be ready to reply,
Or you will get the blame.