Once I was a big fat Cat,
But the cats were chased away.

I returned as an effete cowboy
But only on game day.

Now, I came back as a Hog,
In this life I’ll have to stay.

But I’ll always be an asshole,
It is my one true way.

Mascots Again

So, we met the new mascot last night.
Scout, the big, fat AirHog blob.
He replaced Ace Bacon, the fighter pilot.
Not exactly a trade up.

Scout looks like Dodger.
I was not the only one to notice.
Dodger was a cat, not a hog.
How does a hog look like a cat?

Mascots are all becoming the same.
A triangle shape with a big bottom.
I mean freakin’ huge.

Maybe J-Lo should be a mascot.

Then, add a custom head.
Cat. Pig. Whatever.
I think this is stupid.

Mainly, because my seats are front row.
So, a huge belly-ass combo blocks my view,
While he’s trying to get the back row cheering.

If the back row doesn’t know when to cheer,
Maybe they need remedial baseball classes.
This does not require blocking my view.

I have been to games where there wasn’t a mascot.
True story.
You know what happened?
The players still played the game.

I miss Ace.
But I don’t see the point of mascots.


It’s opening day at last.
We’re tied for first in the division.
100 games to go.

It’s a good sign when the controversy
Is what the new mascot’s name will be.

Ace Bacon is retiring.
Goodbye, Ace.
So much for all the bacon jokes.

Who knew a huge grey pig in a flight suit
Might freak out some children?

No matter how bad Ace may be,
He will never be the Amarillo Sox
Banana-penis mascot.

Just Google it.