Crack of Dawn

One last meeting
Before I can go home.
But I’m in India,
So it’s your first meeting.

Video conferencing is the bomb.
Teams can be anywhere,
And still can get together.
The world is one conference room.

It’s 5:30pm in Bangalore.
It’s 2:00pm in Budapest.
It’s 7:00am in Dallas.
We can still all meet.

I’m the one in Dallas.
I haven’t had enough coffee.
There may not be enough coffee.
Time zones are a bitch.

My Year So Far

February was my 20th Anniversary.
We were going for a cruise.
So, in January, I broke my foot.
Oh, plus my ankle, too.
Cruise canceled.
Well, next year is 21.
That's almost the same.
Staying home. 
Avoiding all others.
Well, it will be over by May.
May, when we visit grandkids.
Wait. What?
Scrap that trip.
We have a Christmas cruise.
Yes, I know about cruises.
I'm not hopeful.
2019 kinda sucked.
2020 said, "Hold my beer."
I'm too old for this.
March, I was out of the splint.
I was out of the cast.
I was into a boot.

So, now I can travel.
It's my 60th birthday.
Time for a road trip.
Wait. What?

Self-Isolation

Bored.
Oh, Lord.
I’m bored.

Working at home.
(Like I was before.)
Let me explain.

In January,
I broke my ankle.
Broke my foot as well.
The doctor asked,
“This was one fall?”

Splint, boot, cast, boot.
My doctor said I should stay off it.
Avoid traveling.

So, I was stuck at home.
My wife said, “At least you work at home.”

Annoyed.
Very annoyed.
But it was my fault.

April,
I can walk!
I’m free at last!
Bad timing.

Everyone said,
“Stay home!”
“Avoid everyone!”
“Work at home!”
“Don’t travel!”

So, it’s pretty much
Like breaking my foot again.
Except I didn’t.

So, I’m annoyed.
And, I’m bored.
Oh, Lord.
I’m bored.

A Couple in Quarantine

So, I’m waiting in the ER tonight.
I got the feeling that something ain’t right.
I’m so scared I have a fever and cough.
I’m hoping drugs can just get me off.

Coughs to the left of me,
Fever to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Well, I’m stuck in the middle with you.
And I’m hoping that it’s not Wuhan flu.
It’s so hard to keep my hands from my face.
And I want to puke all over the place.

Coughs to the left of me,
Fever to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Well, you started out with nothing,
Till you took a cruise ship to Japan.
Now, the doctors all come calling,
Slap you on the back and say,
Breathe.
Breathe.

Trying to make some sense of it all.
My wife shows no symptoms at all.
Is it cool to just pass out on the floor?
‘Cause I don’t that I can take any more.

Coughs to the left of me.
Fever to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with flu.

(with deepest apologies to Stealer’s Wheel)

Budgeting

I have a budget project.
It’s for accounting class.
Obviously.
It’s a pain in the ass.
Obviously.

We have to make up numbers.
Technically, we research.
I have actuals from projects.
So, a hard drive search.
Painfully.

We’re still in business,
So I should get an ‘A’.
I have to make a completed event
Appear it would be a successful day.
I’m pulling for a ‘B+’.

Elements

Someone once said that
The two most common elements
Were hydrogen and stupidity.
This person did not have a Chihuahua.

If he had, the phrase would have been
The top three elements, and the
Most prevalent of all would have been
lovely, shedding Chihuahua hair.

I went to Peoria, Illinois on business.
It was far away from hearth and home.
I had my computers and my clothes,
And in my suitcase, Chihuahua hair.

My wife is having a midlife crisis.
She dyed her hair purple and blue.
The crisis was just a cover story.
She just wants to know which hair is hers.

If my wife had replaced Neil Armstrong,
The quote for history would have been
“That’s one small step for man …
Dammit! Where is all this hair from?”

Really?
Do you need to ask?

Watching the Guard

Whenever we’re away,
We thought our dogs would play.
Well, my wife did.
I was pretty sure they snoozed.

Rocky’s in his condo crate,
Behind a little doggie gate,
So, Katie is really the guard.
She has the rest of the house.

This week, I got a PuppyCam,
So Katie got her guard exam.
She failed.
Well, not completely.

Her Mom’s chair was secure.
She watched my couch, for sure.
Anything not between the couch and chair,
Pretty much fair game for invaders.

We were almost back home,
So, Rocky and Katie was still alone.
Then, my wife said,
“Hey! Let’s call her!”

I opened up the app,
Gave the mic a tap,
And said, “Hi, Katie!”
She bounded for the door.

Oops. Now, I feel bad.
My wife is feeling sad.
Well, we’ll be home soon.
Katie started crying.

Well, there goes my heart.
It’s broken apart.
We’re still a half-mile away.
So, I told her, “Soon.”

We got home at last,
She still looked harassed.
I think she got extra food.
I think she forgave us.

We won’t spy anymore,
From outside the door.
It’s caused too much strife.
We’ll just watch the neighbors.

Homework

I took accounting in college.
It was forty years ago.
Twice as long as Sgt. Pepper.
My knowledge has been fully depreciated.
(At least I remember some terms.)

Now, I have to take it again.
It is as brutal as I recalled.
Perhaps even more brutal,
Because the world discovered QuickBooks,
And our instructor has not.

I love accounting!
Said no one ever.
Well, except for
Some college friends,
Who are all now CPAs.

Perhaps CPA is a warning label,
Not a prestigious title.
People to avoid at parties.
Just sayin’.
(No offense to any CPAs.)

I remembered my CPA friends this week.
They seemed so normal back then.
This is to their credit.
Or perhaps to their debit.
Who the hell knows?

Country Klutz

Just got paid,
Got a brand new car.
Time to grab my baby,
Head to the ER.

Gonna ask her Momma,
Have to ask my Dad,
“Do you think it’s broken?”
“‘Cause she’s limpin’ real bad.”

Time to get married,
Gonna get her a ring.
Just as soon as a doctor
Inspects that wasp sting.

Today’s at the orthopedist,
Hopping through the door.
I have a bad case of deja vu,
‘Cause we’ve been here before.

When she hears or sees an insect,
She’ll attempt a triple lutz.
She’s on the ground, whimpering.
I’m married to a klutz.