Sideways

My life is going sideways.
I know that sounds banal.
If you find your life is sideways,
Don’t drive in a canal.

I just saw a lovely woman.
I mean, she was really hot.
Two years ago, I’d ask her out.
Now, it’s “Have you had your shots?”

A Couple in Quarantine

So, I’m waiting in the ER tonight.
I got the feeling that something ain’t right.
I’m so scared I have a fever and cough.
I’m hoping drugs can just get me off.

Coughs to the left of me,
Fever to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Well, I’m stuck in the middle with you.
And I’m hoping that it’s not Wuhan flu.
It’s so hard to keep my hands from my face.
And I want to puke all over the place.

Coughs to the left of me,
Fever to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Well, you started out with nothing,
Till you took a cruise ship to Japan.
Now, the doctors all come calling,
Slap you on the back and say,
Breathe.
Breathe.

Trying to make some sense of it all.
My wife shows no symptoms at all.
Is it cool to just pass out on the floor?
‘Cause I don’t that I can take any more.

Coughs to the left of me.
Fever to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with flu.

(with deepest apologies to Stealer’s Wheel)

Budgeting

I have a budget project.
It’s for accounting class.
Obviously.
It’s a pain in the ass.
Obviously.

We have to make up numbers.
Technically, we research.
I have actuals from projects.
So, a hard drive search.
Painfully.

We’re still in business,
So I should get an ‘A’.
I have to make a completed event
Appear it would be a successful day.
I’m pulling for a ‘B+’.

Elements

Someone once said that
The two most common elements
Were hydrogen and stupidity.
This person did not have a Chihuahua.

If he had, the phrase would have been
The top three elements, and the
Most prevalent of all would have been
lovely, shedding Chihuahua hair.

I went to Peoria, Illinois on business.
It was far away from hearth and home.
I had my computers and my clothes,
And in my suitcase, Chihuahua hair.

My wife is having a midlife crisis.
She dyed her hair purple and blue.
The crisis was just a cover story.
She just wants to know which hair is hers.

If my wife had replaced Neil Armstrong,
The quote for history would have been
“That’s one small step for man …
Dammit! Where is all this hair from?”

Really?
Do you need to ask?

Watching the Guard

Whenever we’re away,
We thought our dogs would play.
Well, my wife did.
I was pretty sure they snoozed.

Rocky’s in his condo crate,
Behind a little doggie gate,
So, Katie is really the guard.
She has the rest of the house.

This week, I got a PuppyCam,
So Katie got her guard exam.
She failed.
Well, not completely.

Her Mom’s chair was secure.
She watched my couch, for sure.
Anything not between the couch and chair,
Pretty much fair game for invaders.

We were almost back home,
So, Rocky and Katie was still alone.
Then, my wife said,
“Hey! Let’s call her!”

I opened up the app,
Gave the mic a tap,
And said, “Hi, Katie!”
She bounded for the door.

Oops. Now, I feel bad.
My wife is feeling sad.
Well, we’ll be home soon.
Katie started crying.

Well, there goes my heart.
It’s broken apart.
We’re still a half-mile away.
So, I told her, “Soon.”

We got home at last,
She still looked harassed.
I think she got extra food.
I think she forgave us.

We won’t spy anymore,
From outside the door.
It’s caused too much strife.
We’ll just watch the neighbors.

Mom’s Lament

Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
Guess I’ll go eat worms.

My dogs don’t love me,
Unless I’m bearing treats.
I try to hug and kiss them,
Guess I’ll admit defeats.

I let them out to play.
I feed them two squares a day.
They pee on the floor, it’s OK.
Their hair makes me sneeze more than hay.

Am I bitter?
Not even a bit.
So, they sit by Dad.
I won’t have a snit.

They really love me.
I’m sure of that.
But if I find they don’t,
I’m getting me a cat.

Tax Eve

Today you file, if you owe.
Refunds filed long ago.

Tax forms can be quite a bitch,
The IRS thinks that we’re all rich.

We pay for months and months before,
And then today, some pay some more.

For some, it seems a source of mirth,
I just don’t think I got my money’s worth.

Conflict of Interest

Editor’s Note: This is from a non-scientific study, but results are interesting.

Dogs sleep 19 hours a day (or so.)
They’re really not very active at all.
They will show up for all mealtimes,
Or sometimes, just to catch a ball.

So, eighty percent per day asleep,
A vast amount of total time spent,
Yet, when I take a one-hour nap,
That hour will be in the twenty percent.

Progress

I will see a mansion on a hill.
I wish my house remained there still.
Some unnamed Yuppie came to town.
He bought my house and tore it down.

I haven’t lived in it for years,
Which doesn’t seem to stop the tears.
It was the place where I grew up.
It sheltered me, my Mom and Dad and pup.

I knew someday it would be gone.
I just didn’t want to play along.
I wanted to be able to just drive by,
And see it standing beneath the sky.

Yesterday, it was an empty lot.
It’s now a place that time forgot.
I will miss my happy (former) home.
Now, I’m feeling even more alone.

I know that everything must die.
I just hoped to see my past survive.
I understand that times will change.
I just thought my past remained the same.