Country Klutz

Just got paid,
Got a brand new car.
Time to grab my baby,
Head to the ER.

Gonna ask her Momma,
Have to ask my Dad,
“Do you think it’s broken?”
“‘Cause she’s limpin’ real bad.”

Time to get married,
Gonna get her a ring.
Just as soon as a doctor
Inspects that wasp sting.

Today’s at the orthopedist,
Hopping through the door.
I have a bad case of deja vu,
‘Cause we’ve been here before.

When she hears or sees an insect,
She’ll attempt a triple lutz.
She’s on the ground, whimpering.
I’m married to a klutz.

Mom’s Lament

Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
Guess I’ll go eat worms.

My dogs don’t love me,
Unless I’m bearing treats.
I try to hug and kiss them,
Guess I’ll admit defeats.

I let them out to play.
I feed them two squares a day.
They pee on the floor, it’s OK.
Their hair makes me sneeze more than hay.

Am I bitter?
Not even a bit.
So, they sit by Dad.
I won’t have a snit.

They really love me.
I’m sure of that.
But if I find they don’t,
I’m getting me a cat.

Taxes

Editor’s Note: Last year, I “retired”, so my taxes this year were insane. I don’t see a lot of benefits from my payments.

I paid my taxes online.
That way, I don’t have
To drive on broken roads,
To a unsafe neighborhood,
To the understaffed Post Office,
To find out it’s closed.
What do my taxes finance?

Tax Eve

Today you file, if you owe.
Refunds filed long ago.

Tax forms can be quite a bitch,
The IRS thinks that we’re all rich.

We pay for months and months before,
And then today, some pay some more.

For some, it seems a source of mirth,
I just don’t think I got my money’s worth.

Conflict of Interest

Editor’s Note: This is from a non-scientific study, but results are interesting.

Dogs sleep 19 hours a day (or so.)
They’re really not very active at all.
They will show up for all mealtimes,
Or sometimes, just to catch a ball.

So, eighty percent per day asleep,
A vast amount of total time spent,
Yet, when I take a one-hour nap,
That hour will be in the twenty percent.

Vertigo

I wasn’t sure who I should call,
The fourth time that I hit the wall.

I laid there, staring at the valance,
Waiting to regain my balance.

My sense of balance really stunk,
Yet, for once, I wasn’t drunk.

The therapist said my crystals fell,
Off the rods my ears held so well.

(I knew eventually crystals would be an involved.)

My wife suspected that I had a stroke.
In the lonely night, just before I awoke.

But with a stroke, I wouldn’t only miss the bed.
With a stroke, I would have woke up dead.

So, a nautical lesson, as I slip.
One hand for me, one for the ship.

When I’m home, and not out sailing,
It’s time to go install some railing.

My grandkids’ and my worlds collide,
Because we both can slip and slide.

I just find it very wrong,
To be diagnosed with a U2 song.

(At least, I wasn’t diagnosed with Mysterious Ways.)

Progress

I will see a mansion on a hill.
I wish my house remained there still.
Some unnamed Yuppie came to town.
He bought my house and tore it down.

I haven’t lived in it for years,
Which doesn’t seem to stop the tears.
It was the place where I grew up.
It sheltered me, my Mom and Dad and pup.

I knew someday it would be gone.
I just didn’t want to play along.
I wanted to be able to just drive by,
And see it standing beneath the sky.

Yesterday, it was an empty lot.
It’s now a place that time forgot.
I will miss my happy (former) home.
Now, I’m feeling even more alone.

I know that everything must die.
I just hoped to see my past survive.
I understand that times will change.
I just thought my past remained the same.

Plano at Rush Hour

He thinks that no-one will complain,
As he exits from the far left lane.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

She is like a pig in clover,
As she slides her three lanes over.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

He thinks he may have seen a cop.
So, let’s have all on Central stop.

Kill me.
Kill me now.

Some of the smartest people alive,
But none of them know how to drive.

Kill me.
Kill me now.