I think meetings are great fun.
I just wish that they were done.
It’s not the people that I dread.
I just prefer the voices in my head.
Work
Weekend
Weekends should be restful.
A time to recharge and relax.
This weekend, my schedule is not.
I have mentoring, a funeral,
A birthday party and more mentoring.
Plus, homework and taxes.
Can’t I just go to work instead?
Insomnia
I can’t sleep.
I’m not sure why.
I’m in bed.
I’m in the dark.
What else can I try?
I know one sure cure.
It works every day.
I need to go online.
I need to find a meeting.
Then, I’ll hit the hay.
Fired
How do you get fired from a rock band?
It’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Sometimes, you just have to go your own way.
After all the losses of the past few years,
It’s strange to have someone leave the band,
Yet, he’s not dead, he just got canned.
I empathize with Mr. Buckingham,
I hope he remains hale and hearty,
At IBM, he’d get a retirement party.
Corporate Avenue
Start at the corner of Hope and Innocence,
Follow Hope South until it becomes Despair.
Your career progresses as you go,
Nothing vodka or Prozac won’t repair.
Keeping going down Despair,
You’ll know when you are through.
It dead ends at Retirement.
Alongside Corporate Avenue.
Corporate Avenue is a long, hard road.
There are twists and turns and merges,
You have to find a decent driver,
Then hope he survives the purges.
I’ve been driven off a cliff.
I’ve been driven into walls.
I remember drivers drinking,
While they suffered through the drive.
I remember changing drivers,
While we were doing sixty-five.
The only thing that bothers me,
It often shakes me to my core.
Is how many times along the way,
I know I’ve seen that house before.
Technology
I’m getting the feeling that
We have a generation that can’t read.
You have to show them graphics – not text,
And it’s really best to have a movie.
I love technology,
But not for it’s own sake.
Let’s not use it just because
The CEO overpaid for it.
If you have something to say,
Just email or call me.
I’ll respond if required.
Don’t send a link to your blog.
If you have an announcement,
Just make it.
Don’t make me watch a video
A week from Tuesday.
Worst of all now days,
Is the video blog,
Where some minor exec
Reads you his email.
The issue with video blogs,
At least for me,
Is that you see how poorly
Some of these people present.
Please send your foils out first.
(I’m old. They’re not slides. They’re foils.)
I will happily read your foils.
Then, I will think to myself,
“How can this take an hour to present?”
When I read someone’s foils,
My usual thought is,
“Wow. That’s an hour I would have wasted.”
Then, I hang up and go back to work.
Here’s the thing people miss these days.
Work is not an action movie.
There is little action at all sometimes.
So why pretend it’s exciting?
If you’re going to pretend it’s exciting,
Let’s have a video game presentation.
Everyone could watch from home,
And interact with the presenter.
Hit the CEO in the nose,
She has to go on to the next slide.
Blow the CEO up,
That’s lunch, everybody!
That could actually be fun.
She couldn’t just stand and read.
Just send me the foils first,
So I know what was supposed to be said.
Sleep
If I could sleep at night,
As well as I sleep through
These stupid, endless meetings.
I would be well-rested, indeed.
Maybe that’s why meetings are recorded.
You can listen to the playback at bedtime.
Then, you can gently nod off to sleep.
I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it.
Monday
Damn.
Ugh.
Ah-choo!
Is it really already morning?
How much longer can I just snooze?
How bad could traffic be today?
What more do I have to lose?
I hate Mondays.
I’m always in some pain.
I wish I had another shirt.
Will someone see this stain?
Wow. Traffic. Lovely.
Looks like all the roads are blocked.
I should’ve worked at home today.
I should just go get crocked.
Only twenty minutes late.
That shouldn’t damage my career.
Especially after I walk the halls,
And see nobody else is here.
I need a quart of coffee.
Just stick it in a vein.
I need to keep it coming.
It helps to ease the pain.
Mornings are a torture.
Monday morning doubly so.
Let’s go and have a meeting.
It’s the only way to go.
Is it time to go home yet?
Working At Home
Tomorrow is “Take Your Dog to Work Day’.
I worked at home today,
So my dogs were already here.
They could come visit me.
Over and over again.
I had multiple breeds snoring all day.
I still managed to get some work done.
Mainly, because they sleep so much.
(They would love conference calls.)
However, I had an interesting thought.
Dogs in an office could cause strange utterances.
Some of these would be actionable, if aimed at people, not dogs.
What if you were writing a report and heard:
“Stop scratching me!”
“Get down!”
“Get off of me!”
and, of course, the big one:
“Rocky! Stop humping her!”
HR would not be amused.
So, before you take your dogs to work,
Discuss it with your co-workers.
Make sure humping will be OK for one day.
Maybe it’s best to just work at home.
Declaring Victory
I’m almost out of time.
I have no assistance.
I have four other projects due.
I have heartburn.
I have a bad attitude.
So, I declare victory.
This project is done!
It may not be complete.
It may not be coherent.
However, it is done.
I have spoken.