I was sent home early from the office today.
Not just me, my whole team.
It’s not like I was in detention or anything.

If you’ve seen the news lately,
You can probably guess the reason.
We’re having “weather” in Texas.
It’s a good day to work at home.

“Weather” means rain, wind, thunder, lightning,  hail, tornadoes.
Hopefully, not all of them at once.
But usually, at least two.
I don’t mind the rain and thunder, but I am alone on that around here.

Last time we had “weather”, a lot of people had car damage.
Texas employers don’t seem to like parking garages.
You just leave your car on the open prairie.
Then, you hope for the best.

I just felt something bump my leg while I was working.
Turns out, I didn’t get sent home to save my car.
I got sent home so Ripley would have a place to hide.
I guess the Lord answers dog prayers first.

Silence Is Golden

I had a great closing line for a poem today.
I just couldn’t come up with the lines before it.
Then, I realized my brain was probably protecting me.
Sometimes, the brain knows best.

Sometimes, it’s best not to write anything at all.
Especially when you realize it may be slander.
Then, you realize it’s actually libel, since
Slander is said.

Always remember slander is said. Both start with “S”.

See how I’ve managed to distract you from the point?
Now you will wonder who was going to be libeled.
You will have to just keep wondering.

I would slander the person in question,
But only after enough drinks.
That way, I could speak freely,
And nobody would remember.

Slander is safer. 

Another mnemonic.

So, there was something useful from all this crap.



A tree stands in our yard,
Like a mighty oak.
Which is rather interesting,
Since it’s a pecan tree.

Every year, it produces a crop,
The basis of pecan pie.
However, before the crop and harvest,
It must try to carry on its lineage.

This means it must spread its seed.
In the past, there was an easy way.
A pecan tree produced sticky seed pods.

These pods would catch on any animals
Wandering across the vast prairies.
The animals would spread the seed.

Trees would sprout wherever the seed fell.
And the species would continue anew.
Pecan trees would be everywhere.

These days, it’s much more difficult.
The vast open prairies have a fence.
Actually, a pretty tall fence.
Actually, a lot of fences. And Roads. And Houses.

The roaming animals are now my dogs.
They don’t roam outside the yard.
Well, they do come in the house.

Our house is now the vast prairie.
However, pecan trees don’t grow well
Inside a house. On hardwood floors.
Or even in a king-size bed.

I guess the hardwood floors part
Is a bit ironic, really.

So, I’m hoping someday the pecan tree
Realizes that my dogs are not going to help it carry on.
I’m not hopeful of this, of course.

So, instead, this is the time of year
We need a ShopVac in the house.
To stop the new Pecan Forest
From taking over the family room.

If you have some open space,
Would you plant a pecan tree?
It would make my tree feel much better.

Spring Training

I skipped spring training this year.
I went on a cruise, instead.
Now, I am paying the price.
And not just the verbal abuse.

It’s Opening Weekend,
A three-night home stand.
One more night to go.
I am suffering. Mightily.

I forgot about the late hours.
Games all start at seven.
Now, I’m sleep-deprived and have no time to rest.
I will have to schedule conference calls Monday.

I forgot about the post-game discussions.
First, beer is required. I handled that part.
However, I didn’t do my research on baseball topics,
Such as lack of hitting and boob jobs.

I’m hoping I still make the team,
But I will have to step up my game.
The management is watching.
I hope they let me keep my season tickets.

I will never skip Spring Training again.


Once I was a big fat Cat,
But the cats were chased away.

I returned as an effete cowboy
But only on game day.

Now, I came back as a Hog,
In this life I’ll have to stay.

But I’ll always be an asshole,
It is my one true way.

Mascots Again

So, we met the new mascot last night.
Scout, the big, fat AirHog blob.
He replaced Ace Bacon, the fighter pilot.
Not exactly a trade up.

Scout looks like Dodger.
I was not the only one to notice.
Dodger was a cat, not a hog.
How does a hog look like a cat?

Mascots are all becoming the same.
A triangle shape with a big bottom.
I mean freakin’ huge.

Maybe J-Lo should be a mascot.

Then, add a custom head.
Cat. Pig. Whatever.
I think this is stupid.

Mainly, because my seats are front row.
So, a huge belly-ass combo blocks my view,
While he’s trying to get the back row cheering.

If the back row doesn’t know when to cheer,
Maybe they need remedial baseball classes.
This does not require blocking my view.

I have been to games where there wasn’t a mascot.
True story.
You know what happened?
The players still played the game.

I miss Ace.
But I don’t see the point of mascots.


It’s opening day at last.
We’re tied for first in the division.
100 games to go.

It’s a good sign when the controversy
Is what the new mascot’s name will be.

Ace Bacon is retiring.
Goodbye, Ace.
So much for all the bacon jokes.

Who knew a huge grey pig in a flight suit
Might freak out some children?

No matter how bad Ace may be,
He will never be the Amarillo Sox
Banana-penis mascot.

Just Google it.

Pledge Drive

Community is an interesting thing.
In Dallas, it has its own radio station.
KNON 89.3 – the Voice of the People.
Visit www.knon.org and listen online.
Better yet, pledge online.

I volunteer there.
Actually, its worse.
I am the President of the Board.

Can you imagine?
I’m supposed to be the voice of reason.
This will not end well.

People confuse us with commercial radio.
We’re not.
We can’t run commercials.
This is bad from a money perspective,
But good from a we-play-what-the-hell-we-want perspective.

They play Top 40.
We play bottom billion.
One of my DJs said that.
I love that statement.

KNON is the station where we play really good songs,
And SoundHound says “I have no idea what that song is.”
Bottom billion, baby.

People confuse “community” with “public”.
Public radio is NPR and PBS.
They have something we would like.

PBS is partially government-funded. So is NPR.
Your tax dollars at work.
So, you’re taxed for it and then you’re asked to donate.

We’re not government-funded.
We’re community-funded.
That’s you.
Your tax dollars are further up the dial.
You’re not listening to them.

They have pledge drives.
You get gifts.
We have pledge drives.
You get KNON swag.

If you see anyone with a KNON shirt,
They’ve given us a donation.
It’s the only way to get one.
So, thank them for their donation.

Their pledge drive is very official.
It may be a call center somewhere.
Not that there’s anything wrong with call centers.

Our pledge drive is a volunteer
Who is telling the DJ to “shut up”
So she can hear the pledger on the phone.
She and the DJ are in the same room.

I was trying to spell my last name.
On the phone with a volunteer.
And I finally just said,
“Tell Dave it’s President Kevin. He’ll know the rest.”
That’s community radio.
Try that with any other radio station.

Best KNON pledge drive line ever:
“If you get a busy signal, you called the wrong damn number, because nobody’s calling.”
I heard that yesterday.
I have never been so proud of my DJs.

On PBS, you pledge to feel superior to your neighbors.
On KNON, you pledge to get the DJ to stop singing REM in the style of Bon Jovi.
I had to do that this morning.

Which sounds like more fun?
Which sounds more like you?

Spring Pledge Drive is almost over.
Pledge online. Now.

Religion & Politics

Religion and Politics don’t mix.
The latest proof was in North Miami.
Someone said Jesus endorsed her for Mayor.
She finished last.
Dead last.

She got fifty-six votes.
Twelve votes would have been symbolic.
Fifty-six is just sad.

She finished seventh.
There must be six other Messiahs
That are more involved in local politics.

Football players always thank God
After they win a difficult game.
I think the “after” part is key.

Perhaps if you depend on God for wins,
You should wait until you achieve victory.
Just in case.

Otherwise, you make Him look uninterested.
And you make yourself look a bit crazy.

Writer’s Block

Well, it’s been over a month, 
So it was bound to happen sometime.
Writer’s Block.

I have no ideas today.
It may be that I need a nap.
Maybe I ate too much pizza.


I was going to write about aspirin.
How it solves many problems.
That’s how blocked I am.

How does it enlarge arteries
And fix headaches or backaches,
And know which one to do when taken? 

After that, I was thinking about a friend of mine
Who may need back surgery. 
I was told he needs work on his L4. 
That’s medical-speak for some bone.

At the Italian place we had lunch,
L4 is Spaghetti and Meatballs. 

I don’t think spaghetti
Would be a good replacement
For a human vertebra. 
Just sayin’. 

So, I may not write anything today.
However, I just wrote that I may not write anything, 
So that’s something. 

Is that irony? 

Tomorrow, I will have a better idea.
Or, I will have to put out a greatest hits album.
That’s the other solution to a well of ideas run dry.
However, it requires having hits.

I’d better start thinking about tomorrow.