Eulogy to a Squirrel

By Katie, the PBGV Hunter

I found a squirrel,
His name was Fred.
l chewed him
On his little head.

“Drop that squirrel!”,
My Mommy cried.
It’s Squirrel Tartare.
I prefer them fried.

Mom grabbed Fred.
She threw him far.
I heard him hit
My Daddy’s car.

Oops.

I will miss Fred.
He took a lickin’.
Now I know
Squirrels taste like chicken.

Taking Flight

A frazzled Mama Bird said
“I know what would be best.”
Then she smiled at Baby Bird,
And kicked him out the nest.

As he headed towards the ground,
You could almost hear him mutter,
“I’m not sure that I can fly.”
“Right now, I seem to flutter.”

Then, he saw four dogs.
From the corner of his eye.
Baby Bird said in a panic,
“I believe I can fly.”

Questions to the Dog

Verse Number One
Do you want to go out with me?
Just in case you have to pee?
Oh, you already have, I see.
I’ll get the mop and your Mommy.

Verse Number Two
Tell me, what is that vile smell?
Are we entering the Gates of Hell?
Is it that you’re not feeling well?
I’m going out for a breathing spell.

Praise the Lord there’s no verse number three.

A Puppy’s Confession 

I’m sorry, Mom.
I couldn’t see.
Your carpets look like grass to me.

I’m sorry, Mom.
I’m just a boy.
But Mommy’s bra is not a toy.

I’m sorry, Mom.
I shouldn’t snoop.
It’s just it was a tasty poop.

I’m sorry, Dad.
Mom took my ball.
I didn’t know you had a conference call.

I’m sorry, Mom.
You looked comatose.
So, I had to lick you on the nose.

I’m sorry, Mom.
You weren’t awake.
I was calling to my neighbor Jake.

I’m sorry, Mom.
You’re turning blue.
I thought I could jump over you.

I’m sorry, Dad.
For causing lossage.
I thought you had a little Snausage.

Alarm

I have a meeting on the phone.
I really need to be alone.

Four dogs are barking at the door.
Whatever are they barking for?

Perhaps the mail arrived at last.
Perhaps a man is walking past.

Perhaps a car is driving by.
Perhaps a leaf is blowing high.

Perhaps the UPS truck is here.
Perhaps someone opened a beer.

Perhaps a train went down the tracks.
Perhaps a boy wearing corduroy slacks.

It must be critical, that’s for sure.
Since all four are barking at the door.

The Palace Guard

Her Majesty sits upon her throne.
We cannot let her sit alone.
With all the gurgling I hear,
I’m pretty sure she sits in fear.

Anyone could break in now,
I have to stop them all somehow.
She’s been in here for quite some time.
I will sit here until at least bedtime.

You cannot enter – “No!”, I say.
Everyone must stay away.
I will always remain in place.
To leave her unguarded – a disgrace.

I will stay here through the night and day.
I will never, ever go away.
I will be here at the closing bell.
I just worry about that awful smell.

The River Pee

I’m surfing down the River Pee.
There’s darkness in my hall, you see.
Dogs should only pee in the yard.
But going out sometimes is hard.

So, as I slide along the floor,
I wonder which among our four,
Has left this river in the hall,
That’s now a lake after my fall.

I am an accidental engineer.
A dam’s design was never clear.
Yet, I dammed  the mighty River Pee.
I dammed it when I fell, you see.

It was not the only dam discussed.
I do admit, I may have cussed.
My wife is laughing really hard.
Why won’t her dogs pee in the yard?

A Dog’s Journal

I just had the bath from Hell.
What can I do to fix this smell?

I wonder if that thing is dead?
I guess I’ll rub it on my head.

That pile really smells like shit.
I guess I’ll have to roll in it.

I have to go and chase the birds,
So they won’t try to steal my turds.

I’m not eating all my day-old poop
I’m just recycling before the scoop.

Mom always yells when I eat crap,
So I dropped a nugget in her lap.

Mom keeps saying “Go away!”
I think that means I have to stay.