Pets

The Palace Guard

~ kjgilhooly ~ Leave a comment

Her Majesty sits upon her throne.
We cannot let her sit alone.
With all the gurgling I hear,
I’m pretty sure she sits in fear.

Anyone could break in now,
I have to stop them all somehow.
She’s been in here for quite some time.
I will sit here until at least bedtime.

You cannot enter – “No!”, I say.
Everyone must stay away.
I will always remain in place.
To leave her unguarded – a disgrace.

I will stay here through the night and day.
I will never, ever go away.
I will be here at the closing bell.
I just worry about that awful smell.

The River Pee

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I’m surfing down the River Pee.
There’s darkness in my hall, you see.
Dogs should only pee in the yard.
But going out sometimes is hard.

So, as I slide along the floor,
I wonder which among our four,
Has left this river in the hall,
That’s now a lake after my fall.

I am an accidental engineer.
A dam’s design was never clear.
Yet, I dammed  the mighty River Pee.
I dammed it when I fell, you see.

It was not the only dam discussed.
I do admit, I may have cussed.
My wife is laughing really hard.
Why won’t her dogs pee in the yard?

A Dog’s Journal

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I just had the bath from Hell.
What can I do to fix this smell?

I wonder if that thing is dead?
I guess I’ll rub it on my head.

That pile really smells like shit.
I guess I’ll have to roll in it.

I have to go and chase the birds,
So they won’t try to steal my turds.

I’m not eating all my day-old poop
I’m just recycling before the scoop.

Mom always yells when I eat crap,
So I dropped a nugget in her lap.

Mom keeps saying “Go away!”
I think that means I have to stay.

Freedom Of Expression

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For Ripley, a beloved pain in my ass

I wish I had a pair of hands,
So, I could just express my glands.

I’m having some intensive gas,
I need someone to squeeze my ass.

I’ve had my usual daily poo,
But I fear my glands are filled with goo.

It’s time to go and see the vet.
Don’t squeeze too hard, or you’ll get wet.

The vet will never do the job,
Vet techs have to squeeze out the glob.

My butt is clean as a whistle,
Next time, I’ll sit on Mommy’s Bissell.

The First Dalmatian

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Some dogs have specific jobs.
They were bred to do a task.
Other dogs just wander ’round.
Ignoring what you ask.

Mommies never show their age.
They have ways of stalling time.
There are many tricks of their trade,
To keep them looking in their prime.

We have a goofy dog that owns us.
He doesn’t listen very well.
He pokes people for attention.
Sometimes, he makes you yell.

Mommy’s gray is vanishing.
She’s got gloves and dye in pots.
Our doggie poked her in the leg,
And now the dog’s got spots.

Pets Are Not Children

~ kjgilhooly ~ 1 Comment

Pets are not children,
They don’t even date.
They never go to college,
They can sleep in a crate.

Pets are not children,
Even if they wear clothes.
Do you think about your child,
Where did he last stick that nose?

Pets are not children,
They will play all day long.
And the other parents
Can’t say they’re doing it wrong.

Pets are not children,
They can play all alone.
But when it gets really quiet,
They’re destroying your home.

Pets are not children,
Some would say they’re more.
However, I don’t think my child
Ever peed on the kitchen floor.

Standing Guard

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For just the price
of a small Milk-Bone,
My vicious Chihuahua
Stands guard at my throne.

He stands at attention,
Looking out at my domain.
I’m not sure who’s attacking,
But he will cause them pain.

Now and then,
He turns to look at me.
I appreciate the protection,
But I would prefer some privacy.

Murder By Reason of Poetry

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Katie
You have a big ol’ belly,
And you’re kinda smelly.
You remind me of Mom.

Murphy
You seem kinda bitchy,
And you’re always itchy.
You remind me of Mom.

Rocky
You’re a wee bit lazy,
And you’re kinda crazy.
You remind me of Mom.

Ripley
You’re always nappin’,
And your gums are flappin’.
You remind me of Mom.

You know where this is leading,
I’m lying here bleeding.
Just for singing this song.

(Don’t ever sing silly songs to your dogs. It can get you killed. Apparently.)

A Day With Katie

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Mom hates my barking,
Even when morning is here.
So, I guess I’ll wake up Daddy,
Just put my tongue inside his ear.

Watching all my brothers
On an early morning stroll.
Hit them just bellow the ribcage,
And you can watch them roll.

Mom and Dad are out,
I’m now the Patrol Guy.
Nothing looks suspicious,
But these Kleenex have to die.

Daddy’s on a conference call,
Mommy reading her iPad.
I really need to visit the yard,
So I guess I’ll go get Dad.

Daddy rubbed my belly,
Mommy scratched my head.
The lights are turning out.
It’s time to go to bed.